Anyone wanna play "Gender Guess"?

Sorry--its been too long!  Crazy time of year though, with Thanksgiving and the holidays.  I'm not sure anyone besides friends and family reads this though anyway, so I know you all understand!

Yesterday was 32 weeks for me.  Its hard to imagine I only have about 8 weeks left, and at the same time, I cannot believe how long 8 weeks is going to seem!

Part of my pregnancy fun is not finding out the gender!  We did find out with our first, but did not with the second (in fact, we didn't have any ultrasounds for #2, so no temptation).  It was so fun to be surprised!  Everyone had an opinion, of course, except for me!

I've found a picture of me at 32 weeks for each of my three pregnancies, so everyone can get a look at how I carried the first two, and then compare it to this one.  You've got to remember, though, that number 1 is going to be smaller than the next pregnancies.  I guess we will see who is right in a couple of months.

Third Baby, 40th Baby Carrier

I have a small addiction.  To baby carriers.  its actually not that bad.  I know people (online anyway) that have worse hoarding tendencies than I do, when it comes to baby carriers.  And then there are people out there that collect strollers.  Or diaper bags.  Or other items of baby gear, of which you really only "need" one to be effective, but theres one for every occasion that could possibly ever come up in your collection.  It happens.  We all have our vices.

Anyway, my fascination about baby carriers came about when I was pregnant with my daughter 7 years ago (right around now, in fact).  I saw some different options (mostly WAHM-made-Work-at-home-mom-made) on my local mommy's board, and I was hooked.  All the gorgeous patterns of fabric, the different options, and the versatility of it all.  I became so entranced that I figured out how to sew them, since I couldn't really afford to try all the different ones I wanted to try.

Baby number one, on day 3 of life, day 1 home from the hospital, in her first carrier, a pouch sling, made by an amazing WAHM who has since stopped making carriers in lieu of other commitments, like homeschooling (oh, I understand that, oh so well):

My husband also took to babywearing quickly.  It was a nice way for him to bond with a mommy-intensive baby who wanted to be held, and by default of who was usually doing the holding, nurse constantly.  He would strap her on and start walking, and usually she would fall asleep for a bit.  A side perk of this was all the attention he got from passers-by!  Nothing like a cute dad and a cute baby sleeping!  

Then baby number two happened, and baby wearing became a way to keep up with a rambunctious three year old, while keeping the baby close and safe.  A bonus was that baby number two had (has) a dairy intolerance, and wearing him was one way to keep fussing (and I hope his pain) at a minimum, especially in those first two months when it took so long to figure out what was wrong to make him cry all the time.  

(be kind--this is only about a week after birth, and I was so. tired.)

And another way to manage two:

Most often I have used a soft structured carrier in the past, as it is easy, fast and comfortable, but I also own a wrap (or two, hah), a ring sling made from a wrap, and a mei tai.  I really enjoy wrapping tiny newborns as it is a great, secure way to keep a new baby close.  I can't find any wrap pictures of baby #2 though (and I didn't wrap often with #1).  

Most of the carriers pictured above I made myself, but this time, I'm not so inclined to do that.  My birthday present from family members (they sent me money and I picked out the wrap) was a gorgeous purple wrap with tiny stars on it.  

My other carrier wish is a Tula carrier in Tulip print or a Tula wrap conversion carrier.

stock photo courtesy of Tula

Obviously I'm drawn to purples this time.

Some benefits that we have experienced from baby wearing are:

• convenience
• less fussiness
• mother-baby (or parent-baby or caregiver-baby) closeness
• hands-free (or mostly) breastfeeding on the move--great with toddlers and other children
• promotes healthy physical development (avoid flattened head syndrome, encourage good neck muscle development, promotes good digestion by being upright--good for a reflux or allergy baby)

Outside Resources about Babywearing

Here is an article with references about other benefits (or maybe, the lesser-known benefits) of baby wearing.

API's information on baby wearing is available here.

The Babywearer is a great go-to site for all things baby wearing, including a huge forum with tons of information about all different aspects of baby wearing.  

And here is a jumping off page about the different kinds of baby carriers and how to choose what is best for you.  Also information on how to make sure your carrier is safe and well-made.  

These are some of my favorite brands of baby carriers:

Tula (soft structured carriers)

Natibaby (wraps)

Didymos (wraps)

Sleeping Baby Productions (ring slings)

Boba (commercially available carriers--you can normally get these pretty easily at Target, Babies R Us, etc)

23 weeks and all is, well....

I've reached the 23 week mark.  I had a totally unremarkable appointment with my OB.  Hilariously, the first medical assistant who was so terribly clueless from my 10 week visit came in to find the baby's heartbeat.  The second she walked in I actually turned a snort into a cough and knew it was time to buckle up.  She had two dopplers with her because "one of these things just don't work right but I don't know which one it is."  Of course, she uses the broken one on me first.  Of course she does, right?  I wasn't concerned at all this time because A) I could feel the baby moving and B) her incompetence is a given.  Baby boy was fine with a heartbeat between 141-145 she was "guessing."  How does this woman have a job still?

I ran out of Zoforan on Tuesday and didn't bother refilling because I felt like I was controlling my symptoms okay with just one of the pfinnergin at night.  By Thursday evening, when I had a fun dinner scheduled with friends, my body caved.  I called my sister on the way home but most of my conversation included "oh no I'm going to throw up in my car."   I made it home without puking and took pfinnergin asap.  It wasn't enough.  The sick fest started at 2am.  When the husband took G to school at 7:30 all I could do was turn on the playstation and let the bear have at it.  I tried some homeopathic remedies suggested by Tracy and was well enough to be upright and drive to the following places:  CVS to get more zoforan, McDonalds to get the bear some food as it was 2:30 and he hadn't eaten since breakfast.  I also got myself a coke to wash down the medicine.  Then continued on to G's school to pick up.  Sure enough - the meds kicked in by the time I got home and I was able to rally and even cook dinner (though not eat it).  I felt fine Saturday morning and skipped meds which set me up for another horrible Saturday night and Sunday morning.  Lesson:  I cannot go off the meds yet.  With them, I'm awesome.  Without them I'm a pool of human laying on a bed gagging.  Go away sickness.  GO AWAY.

This kid is remarkably active.  In fact, I don't remember either of the other boys being this active this early.  We're moving from simple squirms to full on kicks.  The last ultrasound at about 19 weeks had him at 12 oz, I think?  He's probably over a pound by now!

I picked out some fabric for blankets to make him and I'm  hoping to knit a sleep sack and some lightweight newborn size hats.  My knitting skills are, um, lacking so we'll see about that.

17 weeks left to go.  I can only hope that this nausea goes away at some point before the baby comes.

Welcome to the third trimester!

Take a deep breath.  Or not.  Cause I can't.  And I haven't been able to for about two weeks now.  I saw my chiropractor a few weeks ago and complained about the inability to breath deep.  He did an adjustment to my diaphragm and it helped for a bit, but its not financially possible for me to go every time I cannot breath--cause thats every hour or two.  And let's be fair.  I can breath.  I am getting enough oxygen.  I just feel like I cannot inflate my lungs all the way, and thats a hard thing for me to cope with.

I have a short torso, I'm 5'4" and around 110 lbs, not pregnant.  I gain a lot of weight with my pregnancies, and there's just not a ton of extra room in my body for these babies that I seem to grow.  My body is doing what nature intended, and I fully believe that, in most normal cases, our bodies do not grow what we cannot birth, but…its hard, mentally, to know that I'm not going to be able to breathe deep for another 12ish weeks.  When we get started in the morning, I go upstairs to take a shower and get dressed.  Then I have to build in a few minutes to sit down and rest because just doing that leaves me short of breath and tired.  At least its not hot anymore-the weather is finally cooling down.

I had an appointment with my midwife about two weeks ago, and all was well.  The baby's heartbeat was in the 140s, my weight gain was normal for me, my blood pressure was normal for me (which is on the low side), and I was hydrated.  Pretty standard prenatal appointment for me.  At this point, I think, uneventful is best.  Another appointment right before Thanksgiving.  Really, only about 3 months left in this pregnancy, that sometimes I forget about in the craziness of daily life.

My kids are in LOVE with my belly and the "new baby" in it.  They are constantly kissing and touching my belly (which is hard for me--I don't like hands on my belly much), and talking about the new baby.  My son says its a baby boy, and my daughter says its a baby sister.  I guess one of them is going to be disappointed in about three months.  We have a solid girl's name chosen that my daughter helped pick.  We are still working on a boy's name.  My 3 year old suggested Lightening McQueen.  Right.

22 weeks

22+ weeks and I wish I could tell you the nausea was gone. I've had lots of really good days but I still need medicine about every other day to remain functional. If I go too long without medication then I get "behind" the nausea and it takes days to catch up again.  It's frustrating and exhausting. I'm far enough into my second trimester that I should feel good, right? I remind myself often that I'm more than halfway there and that I am improving. All things being equal though, I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  Having a 6.5 and 4 year old it is absolutely remarkable how I just cope with feeling awful and continue on with life. They have places to be and things to do. They don't care that all I want to do is lay down and watch bad TV until I finally feel human again. So I just ignore it, take the medicine and carry on.

When I do manage to eat a decent meal the baby gets super excited. I can really feel him moving around and it's so fun to feel the movements. I get excited then tell the husband to put his hands on my stomach so he can feel the baby but I guess the baby gets stage fright because as soon as anyone touches me he freezes up. For now it's just between the baby and me... one of the special things about being pregnant.

We are starting to talk about changes we will make around the house to make room for the baby. Moving furniture and so forth. Today I bought a few sweet decorations for his room and fabric to make his baby blanket. We won't actually move stuff around until January but there's nothing wrong with collecting a few things along the way. It helps me feel closer to him. I'm also hoping to start knitting some baby hats and a sleep sack or two. I'm a very very novice knitter but I love the feeling of knitting so it's a hobby I really hope to develop skill in.

Doctor's appointment scheduled for this week. Nothing eventful. Just a regular old check up. I can already tell you what will happen. I'll pee in a cup. Nurse weighs me and takes my blood pressure. She'll ask if I'm feeling the baby move, if I'm having headaches or swelling and ask if I'm taking any medications. Then we'll go to the room. She'll listen to the baby's heartbeat on doppler. Then I wait for the doctor to come in, doctor measures my stomach asks if I have any questions and that's it. If they're having a supper efficient day I can be in and out in 15 minutes. After this appointment I'll have another in 4 weeks and then likely be on the every 2 week schedule after that.

I guess not having a big report is good news. What we all want are uneventful pregnancies. So far, so boring. For that I'm truly grateful!

Girls dress from men's shirts!

So I picked up a couple of shirts on clearance from a local store the other day with plans to make a dress for my daughter.  What I came up with astounded me!  Sometimes I am frustrated with what I am trying to make, and sometimes I end up really surprised and happy--this time I was very happy!  I had posted a picture and a lot of friends asked for a tutorial so I made another one, and took lots of pictures this time.  This will be my first tutorial, so I hope it makes sense!  

From this (two men's extra-large shirts)--------------------------------->to this (a girls size 5-6 dress with fabric left over)

I started with two men's extra large shirts on clearance for $2.50 each.  Total cost was less than $6 with tax.  

I used a dress that I liked the fit of to trace the shape onto tissue paper to create a basic pattern for the top.  I just traced the arm hole shape, the side length, and the neckline, and cut the pattern out.  Then I placed it on the first tshirt on a fold, and cut out the top.  Cut three pieces of this (or, I used a scrap of coordinating knit fabric, so I cut two of the green pieces and one of coordinating pink printed knit).   This should all be cut from 1 shirt.  

I set one piece of the green cutout aside( which is the back of the dress), and layered the other two (the front part) together to create the cross top part.  They are stacked wrong sides together to get a symmetrical crossover.  I used a piece of chalk to draw a slightly curved line from the top corner of the shoulder to the bottom corner of the arm hole, and then I cut on that line (through both layers of fabric). Then I laid out the back of the top, and put the two front pieces together to be sure they all fit together well.

I pinned together the right sides of the fabric at the two shoulder seams, and sewed and pressed these seams.  

To finish the collar area, I cut two strips of fabric from the first tshirt, near the hem (but I cut the hem off first) about an inch thick--I did it here so it was easier to keep it a fairly straight cut.  You must do it in this direction of the fabric because you need the ribbing to work for you a certain way.  Then I sewed the two strips together to make one long strip, and I pressed it in half, right sides out.

This part is a little bit tedious.  Take the strip you just pressed and start to pin it to your top, right sides together (picture A).  You want to stretch the strip just a little bit (picture B) because that will help with the shaping of the neckline.  (I had to repin my collar piece because I started pinning it backwards for the way I sew).  Sew all the way around the collar (picture C), and then iron the seam so it lays flat (picture D).  Then topstitch around the collar to finish it and make it look nice (picture E).  

Now, onto sleeves.

I used another shirt to measure the length of the sleeves.  Line up the opening of the sleeve of the dress top at the top of the first tshirt still, with the length of the sleeve going right to the hem.  You want to use the hem so you  don't have to finish the sleeve hem later (picture A).  Use a marker to trace the arch of the shoulder seam (the top of picture B), and then use the sleeve of the tshirt (like the grey one I used to measure the length of the sleeve) to measure and trace the width of one side, making sure the fold of the sleeve is in the middle, lining up with the seam from the dress top (picture C).  Cut that line and the shoulder seam, and fold it in half to trace and cut the rest of the sleeve out (picture D).  Then cut another identical sleeve, using the first sleeve as a template (picture E).  

Now pin the sleeves on.  The easiest way for me to do this is to lay the dress top flat, right side up and start in the middle at the shoulder seam, to pin the sleeve on, right sides together.  Follow the curve of the arm hole, and stretch the sleeve to fit in this space just a bit.  Pin both sleeves on, and then sew the seams on the wrong sides of the fabric (so the stitches don't show on the right side of the fabric).

Last steps for finishing the top: layer the crossover pieces together (I had to make sure I had my accent piece where I wanted it, which was the inside layer), and line up the seams of the sleeves and sides, and sew on the wrong sides of the fabric, all the way from the sleeve hem to the armpit and then down the side of the bodice on both sides.  Trim any extra fabric, and turn your top right side out.  Take a minute to admire your work.  In my opinion, this is the hardest part, and you are about 70% done!

Now to make the skirt.

Take the second tshirt finally, and fold it in half, lining up the hem so its straight.  Cut across the tshirt, right at the bottom of the arm holes (or however long you want it) so you just have a tube of fabric with a hem at the bottom.  Use your machine to put a basting or gathering stitch all the way around the top part of this piece of fabric.  Gather the skirt and pin it to the top, right sides together.  Make sure your gathers or ruffles are even at this point (I use the side seams of the tshirt to match the side seams of my dress top to be sure there is equal fabric at the front and back of my dress).  Sew around the skirt, on the wrong sides of the fabric, and then turn your dress right side out, and top stitch the seam to finish it (I make sure the underside of the seam is up to be caught in my stitching while I am doing this--does that make sense?  It helps with shaping and how the dress lays).  Clip any stray threads, and rip out the basting stitch if it strikes your fancy (or bothers you, the way it does me).  And thats it!  Your upcycled dress is finished!  

I hope this makes sense.  If there is a part that is confusing, please don't hesitate to ask me for clarification or help!  

Also, here is a good overview of basic tshirt construction that might help explain or clarify some things I have tried to explain!  

Nursing While Pregnant

A friend shared a blog post on Facebook yesterday that made me want to write this post.  It was on nursing while pregnant, which is not a much-talked about subject.  Even less talked about is something called nursing aversion, which seems to happen a lot to pregnant mommas.  It certainly happened to me during both of my pregnancies.  It can be so discouraging and sad to have these distinct negative emotions about nursing your little one while you are growing their sibling.  I think its important for mommas to hear more about it, so they don't feel guilty!  So I wanted to share my experiences.

When I was pregnant with kid number two, my daughter was between 3 and 3 years and 9 months, and still nursing somewhat frequently for a 3 year old: I'd say around 5-6 times a day, nursing to sleep, and nursing to wake up in the morning.  Pregnancy caused me a lot of physical discomfort while nursing, which I expected, but also this agonizing anger at having to nurse this child.  I had to establish some limits on the duration and timing of nursing to keep my sanity.  I kept nursing sessions to very short time limits, probably around 1-2 minutes each.  I would tell my daughter "OK, when I count to 10, we are all finished."  Also, I could not stand her moving.  She had to be very still, and her hands could not be touching me.  I just couldn't stand the feeling.  So she clasped her hands together to keep them from moving around, as she was a fidgeter.  I also used distraction methods, offering a snack or other activity (we read a lot of books) in replacement of nursing.  Using these coping methods, we made it through my pregnancy, continuing to nurse a couple of times a day, to tandem nurse, after my son was born for about a year and a half, slowing down gradually to only nursing before bedtime for several months before stopping nursing.  Even when my milk dried up around 15 weeks, my daughter continued to comfort nurse (which added a whole new sense of physical agony).

I tried to describe the feelings I had when nursing my daughter (as opposed to when not nursing her) to friends, but it was such a horribly ugly, hateful, angry feeling that it was hard to talk about, and hard to describe.  The closest I could come to describing it was to say that, when she latched on, I physically had to resist the strong urge to just throw her off me.  I was so mad at this.  It caused a lot of tears, and a  lot of stress for us.  While she was nursing, I took deep breaths a lot, and I used other means to distract myself (like reading a book, or surfing the internet), which helped with the anger.  As horrible as it sounds, it was literally only DURING the act of nursing.  When I was not nursing, I was so sad to have these feelings, and I was glad to be still nursing.  Really.  As miserable as it was.  And I was glad we made it to tandem nurse.  That was a special experience for me.

When I got pregnant with baby number 3, my son was almost 3 (2 years, 9 months) and still nursing pretty frequently.  Almost before I even knew I was pregnant, I started feeling the physical discomfort of nursing during a pregnancy.  I had sore, super-sensitive nipples, and the skin crawling feeling of annoyance and anger when my son latched on.  Very quickly, I started to cut nursing sessions short.  We were also dealing with selling and buying a house and moving at the same time, so there was already a lot going on.  Also, for the first time, I had a lot of issues with nausea.  And nursing made me have a surge of nausea at the beginning of each nursing session.  I could tell when my milk started to change tastes (due to hormones) and dry up around 13-14 weeks.  My son was not that excited about the differences, and while he would ask to nurse, he would only latch on for 10 or so seconds before he would move on.  It was around this time that he nursed for the last time, and we ended our nursing relationship with little fanfare.  It was quiet and a bit sad for me, but also, I was glad to be not nursing for the first time in almost 7 years.  I was glad for a short, 6 month break.

I've had several friends ask me about nursing a toddler or older child during pregnancy, and describe some of the same feelings I had, so I knew it wasn't just me.  I am sure it is a hormonal thing, and I am sure it is more common than we realize, since it is not often talked about.  I'd love for anyone else to share their experiences on nursing while pregnant if you are interested.

It's a..... miracle!

The husband & I decided to keep the date of our level II ultrasound quiet.  I'm already struggling under the pressure of "it's a girl, this is your girl, I hope it's a girl, I'm praying for your girl."  The constant comments already put me in a stressed place.  Having my own little secret about when we'd get to look at our baby gave me a little pocket of happy.

So, on the down-low, husband and I went to the OBs office hoping for a clear view of a very healthy baby.



I've had tons of ultrasounds but this one was just amazing.  The baby was bouncing around like crazy at first and then calmed down.  We saw the two hemispheres of a brain.  We saw four clear chambers of a heart.  We saw functioning kidneys.  We saw lungs.  We saw a spine.  We saw bones.  We counted toes for goodness sake!  The baby even yawned while we were watching... the ultrasound tech rewound the yawn over and over.  I couldn't believe that one.

My ultrasound was at 18 weeks 6 days.  The baby is measuring 19 weeks 2 days... so pretty much exactly on schedule... weighs 10 ounces.

And... the baby is clearly a boy!  We had a view so perfect that the ultrasound tech didn't have to say it... both the husband and I called it out.  I was so relieved!  So many people have been telling me that I'd have a girl... but in my heart I felt it was a boy.  I was getting frustrated because I didn't like the idea of being so out of touch with what was going on... and everyone else around me knowing more than me about what was going on inside my own body.

Our tradition is to keep the baby's name private until he's born... and we will continue that tradition with this boy.

So, I'm pretty much half way there.  I'm still totally sick.  Coming off my nausea medicine routine means I will wake up vomiting at about 3 in the morning and it will take two days to get back to "normal."  My OB and I talked quite a bit about it and basically I'm to do what I need to do to remain functional.  I do try and take med breaks at least once a week to see if the all-day misery has passed.  I'm really looking forward to feeling like myself again.  I can be mostly normal with medicine - but there are side-effects that aren't so great and honestly, I'm just tired of the "sick" routine.  Also, I'm just tired.  Where is the 2nd trimester energy??? I need it desperately!

We are starting to talk about how we're going to move furniture around and make house changes to make room for baby 3.  I'm excited about it... but it still all seems so far away.  March is in about a million days and I'll be pregnant for all of them.

Birth Junkie

I completely get where that phrase comes from.  I'm kind of a birth junkie, although I don't have the means and resources to follow that "addiction" very often.  But I did get the honor and privilege of being at one of my best friend's home births this weekend.  My poor dear friend who was very overdue had her beautiful baby girl this weekend at home, and it was amazing.  I want to shout it from the rooftops, and tell every single person I see.  "Do you KNOW what I saw this weekend?!?  A BABY being BORN!!!!!!  How amazing is that?!"

I have been lucky and blessed enough to experience four births (that were not my own) in the past few years, and I really believe that exhilaration and awe never diminishes.  Maybe if I had seen it hundreds of times, and knew in detail, the things that could go wrong within the birth process, instead of just the general knowledge that I have, maybe, just maybe, it would be less impressive.  But I really don't think so.  Our glorious midwives acknowledged the same adrenaline and exhaustion I felt yesterday after the whole thing, so I really think its always amazing.

She keeps thanking me for being there and for helping; in truth, I cannot thank her enough for inviting me.  It is such a sacred thing, and I think for a first home birth, you never really know how you're going to feel about having extra people there, until you're in the middle of it all.  I am so thankful that all the timing and childcare and circumstances worked out.  There were so many logistical restrictions for me that it really was amazing that it all worked out.  It had to be a weekday evening or a weekend, but not Thursdays or Fridays (because my husband referees football games on those days right now), and not too late at night (because my 3 year old doesn't sleep well without me after around 10:00 or 10:30 at night), and the fact that it all worked out (including an extra scheduling snafu for me) really means to me, that it was meant to happen that way.

I'm glad I was there.  I had a bigger active part than I had planned on having.  Every birth I have been to, I was really there just for moral support and possibly child care if needed.  This birth was the most intense one out of the four, and the midwives needed all their hands for the technical part, leaving me the powerful and profound honor, along with her husband, of being her physical support, bracing her on one side while she pushed that baby out.  I will never, ever forget that feeling of her primal power, and being part of her grounding connection to the world.

I think all pregnant mommas planning a homebirth should get to go to a home birth about halfway through their pregnancy.  I have mostly great memories from my son's home birth, but this experience really reminded me of that adrenaline, that primitive connection to mothers everywhere and that powerful amazement that accompanies a baby's entrance into the world.  It really makes these next 15 or so weeks seem like no time at all in the grand scheme of things!

PS, I have to give a cheer for my husband.  Not only did he rock his Very Important job of childcare after a crazy busy week at work, and a lot of football games that he referreed, he celebrated the joy and awe of seeing a baby being born with me afterwards.  He said, "Its an amazing thing to see and its so cool that you get to experience the other side of it."  And that would not be possible for me without his amazing support.

That time when everything makes you cry

At 18+ weeks I've reached that special time in pregnancy...
that time when everything makes me cry.
Need proof?  Here are the times that I cried, teared up or nearly cried today.

Note:  My day started at 4:30 am with a surprise vomit-fest.  Fatigue doesn't help an over emotional state.

1) I cried while throwing up.
2) I cried quietly while laying in bed after throwing up - wishing I could sleep.
3) I cried saying goodbye to my Father-in-law as he left to go back home
4) I cried because the house was quiet with just me and the Bear
5) I teared up when I looked at the clock, it was 8:20am, the Bear & I were still in PJs and we needed to leave for preschool at 8:40.
6) I cried after I dropped him off because a) I love his school so much and I'm so happy he got a place there and b) I was going home to an empty house and had nearly four hours of total freedom.
7) As I spent my "total freedom" time scrubbing toilets I cried listening to the state of our government on NPR and apologized to the baby for bringing it into such a messed up world.
*note* this is the point where I realized that I was out of control and needed to pull it together.
I didn't cry again for nearly two whole hours when....
8) I went to the AT&T store to upgrade to a new cell phone.  The process of updating my phone has been comically ridiculous and the last straw came when the sales clerk asked for the last four digits of my mom's social security number.  (my mom added me to her cell phone friends and family plan for my birthday two years ago.  It is and will always be the coolest, most generous birthday present I will ever receive) Who knows their mom's social security number like that?  I know my husband's.  I know mine.  I know my childrens'.  I do not know my moms.  So I teared up.  Knowing my mom was at work and would be hard to reach I called my dad - who didn't know.  Luckily my youngest brother has been down this cell-phone upgrade road and he knew the magic four numbers to get me out of AT&T store hell.
9) I teared up listening to the Bear tell me about his day at school.  He was never able to verbalize his days last year.  Having him be so happy makes me happy.
10) I teared up watching both boys play outside this afternoon.  My boys are best friends.
11) I teared up when I took my first bite of mashed potatoes with dinner.  They tasted great.
12) I teared up when the Bear gagged on mashed potatoes but wanted to keep our rules of trying a bite of everything.  He's so brave.

So, yea, I'm an emotional wreck.  I'm exhausted.  I'm pregnant.

Food...All. The. Time.

My life revolves around food.  Even not pregnant (although I have been either pregnant and/or nursing for the last 7 years, both of which make me insanely hungry), my life is all about food.  I have two little kids who must have the same high metabolism their parents both have, and also the same two kids with different food sensitivities and intolerances, so I'm always thinking about food.  We also have some different beliefs about food.  We try to stick with things in as close to their natural state as possible.  We try to avoid processed foods, foods with artificial flavors, dyes and/or preservatives, and usually go for the organic option if there is one.  We also like to support local businesses, so we try to buy things from local farms and farmers' markets.

My son has a dairy intolerance, which also affected what I could eat until a month or two ago.  Its amazing what has dairy in it.  This limited a lot of our food choices.  I had (still do somewhat) to consider what restaurants were nearby, and what we could eat from them all the time.  Rarely could we grab something "unplanned, on the go".  My daughter cannot tolerate high fructose corn syrup, so we also have to be careful with that, especially at fast food, or convenience food restaurants.

But it seems like all I think about is food.  Whats for lunch? Whats for dinner?  What do I need to get at the store or market today?  Is there anything I need to prep for dinner tonight?  Do we have any leftovers that the kids will eat for lunch?  Is there anything for my husband to take for lunch?  Do I need to make bread for games on Friday? Do I even have flour to make bread?  Do we have enough eggs for this weekend's breakfast?  Where can I get eggs that is open today (a lot of our farmer's markets and farm stands are open for limited hours, and I hate buying eggs at the grocery store)?  What's in the freezer that I can cook tonight?  Can I double this recipe to freeze one?  Chicken's on sale, do I have time to buy it, or do I make my husband go on his lunch break?

And now I am adding to this crazy, constant list:  What can I eat for a snack?  Can I sneak a cookie without the kids noticing?  Its bedtime, can I make it through the night without something to eat, or should I drag my pregnant self down the stairs to get something to eat before I fall asleep?  Or can I beg my husband to go get it for me?  Where can I get a good piece of cheesecake at 9:00 at night?  Or more like, where can my husband get a good piece of cheesecake at 9:00 at night?  Can I buy kettle corn at the store near my house or does it have to be Trader Joe's (the answer is Trader Joe's by the way)?  The list just goes on and on and on.

And I know there's no end in sight anytime soon.  I'm an extended nursing mom, so I know I will be eating like this for at least the next two to three years.  Food is such a constant in my life; you'd think I would be used to it by now!

17+ weeks and all is well

I haven't updated much because, frankly, there isn't much to update around here.  I guess this is what it's like to have a normal pregnancy. I've even been checking my blood sugar in an attempt to identify any early gestational diabetes and if I keep my refined carbs to a minimum then my sugars are better than they've ever been.  I had two bowls of chili for dinner (including a handful of Fritos.  You can take the girl out of  Texas...)  and 30 minutes later I was already at 122.  I just need to be under 120 at an hour.

I've been able to continue my exercise habit which is awesome.  Spinning is what keeps me sane.  I'm already trying to figure out if I'll be able to spin and wear a baby at the same time.  I'm pretty sure I can swing it.

Today has been, perhaps, one of the top five days of the pregnancy so far.  No medications needed.  No throwing up.  I feel fantastic.  It's been so strange to not spend every minute of every day obsessing about the pregnancy.  There's just no time.  Some days I even forget I'm pregnant.  I suppose it stems from this whole pregnancy being such a surprise.  I'm skeptical that I'll be holding a newborn in just under six months.  Even hearing the heartbeat whenever I want (about every other day or so we check in) it's like I just can't believe it's happening and that I feel like human being and that I'm not hooked up to IVs for hydration and laying on the couch watching TV the whole time.

And that's all there is from my world right now.  A fairly normal daily life.  I've felt the baby a couple of times - but nothing with any regularity.  I can honestly say that this is the first pregnancy where I can understand when people say that pregnancy isn't an illness.  Yep - when you're having a normal pregnancy it sure isn't.  It's actually sort of awesome.

Dealing with the Public

...or...What NOT to Say to a Pregnant Woman.

One of my best friends is a bit overdue (although she probably is disagreeing with the description "a bit" right now--sorry) with her second baby, and we were talking about things people might say to a pregnant woman at a homeschool class yesterday.

Several of us have been asked, at one point or another, "How dilated are you?"  Seriously?!  This is an appropriate question, coming from a stranger?  Or even a family member?  Really?  A woman's vagina is an appropriate public conversation topic?  I don't think so.

I was told when I was pregnant with my daughter to "be sure not to have that baby in the middle of the store!"  Right.  Because having a baby in the middle of Wal-Mart the day after Christmas is something I was aspiring to.  Better add that to my next birth plan.

When I was pregnant with my son (and he was a week early, mind you, although I guess, to be fair, I was Huge), a woman at Old Navy asked me how far I was.  I probably answered 37 or 38 weeks, and she asked me "How long will they let you go before they induce you?"  This is a pet peeve of mine.  First of all, no one is Letting me do anything.  Its my body, its my decision.  Second of all, induction is completely unnecessary, unless for a medical reason, and being big is not a medical reason!  I very huffily told her "No one is Letting me do anything.  I am having a homebirth, so I will go as long as I want to!"  Her eyes were the size of quarters as she slowly backed away from me, stammering "Ohhh, well, good luck with that."

My dear, over-due friend was at a store on or right after her due date (I think, trying to walk that baby out at the mall, actually), when the mention of her due date came up with another stranger.  When the date was revealed, the person asked "What in the world are you doing here?!  There aren't any doctors here!!"  Right.  Because a doctor is necessary (not)!!  Actually, I think this conversation took place in Old Navy too.  Maybe Old Navy is to be avoided at late stages of pregnancy, as it seems to be a place of common offense!

I am SURE there are lots more to input, so please share what stupid or ridiculous things people have said to you while you were pregnant!

NOT AGAIN!

It happened AGAIN.

Regular OB appointment.

Nurse comes in.

Nurse can't find the heartbeat.

I contain rage and anger and horror.

Doctor comes in and says he'll try for a minute but if he doesn't find it he'll just take me to ultrasound as he knows I'm about to jump out of my skin. (As an aside, this is the doctor who saved my life with G, did my D&E, delivered the Bear and who, as far as I'm concerned, walks on water). He plops the doppler on my growing belly and 30 seconds later finds the heartbeat about 4 inches above where the nurse was looking for it.

Relived? Yes.

Amused? No.

I need to hear that whoosh whoosh whoosh of a baby heartbeat or I go to a very, very unhappy place.

Turns out $40 on Amazon will fix that.

Check out the Angel Sounds fetal doppler. I was dubious that it would work so early in a pregnancy but the reviews all suggested that it would work by about 14 weeks and for the money it was worth a shot for the piece of mind.

I added $4 to the Amazon Prime we already have – to have it overnighted – that's just how I decided to roll.

It absolutely need some sort of gel to glide over your skin. I actually ended up using some of the Pure Romance “just like me” lube that we had because, well, it seemed like the right consistency. It worked like a charm. (I do have some actual gel that I ordered with the Angel Sounds thing but I didn't feel the need to overnight it) I found the baby's heartbeat after about five minutes of trying. The machine doesn't give you a reading of the heart rate itself - you just hear that lovely sound that lets you know the baby is still there.

I've had it for about a week now... and believe it or not, I don't use it every day. There's no time for it during the day – and at night I'm busy or exhausted or both. I do love knowing I can check in whenever I want on the little lemon (current estimated size of the baby) and get the piece of mind I need to be comfortable.

Also, since I figured out how to do it in about 30 seconds – what exactly is the problem with the nurses at my OB's office?  I am going to go with "overworked" as opposed to "lazy" as I'd like to give the benefit of the doubt.  Clearly though, they need another doppler-operation seminar!

Were you trying for a baby?

It's one of the many questions I'm asked about this pregnancy:

“Were you trying to get pregnant?”

The fact is – this pregnancy is a total surprise. My husband and I, in our fantasy family talks, always wanted three children. We battled infertility for more than a year before having our first. I've had multiple miscarriages. I've had to fight tooth and nail for both of the kids we already have.

When you're a child-bearing-age woman you hear that women's bodies are evolved/made to have babies. So what do you do when your body is broken and can't release eggs or implant the fertilized egg or make hormones to sustain the pregnancy or keep the cervix closed until the baby is full term? What do you do? You feel broken. And you cry. And you watch enviously as women around you pop babies out and then say how much it didn't hurt. And you see teenagers casually having babies like it's no big deal sitting next to you in the OB office where you've just found out that despite the fact that you're married, financially stable and have a four-bedroom house on two acres of land, you've just miscarried again. And you cry. And you secretly hate women with babies. And you judge them because if you had a baby you wouldn't ignore it while tapping away on your smart phone.

Long story short, infertility and pregnancy loss is a hard, cruel hand to be dealt in life when all you want is a baby.

So you might understand why, after our second child presented us such a challenge the first two years of his life by basically refusing to sleep, I wasn't anxious to jump into the “game' of getting pregnant again. My husband would have twenty-five kids if he could. The losses don't affect him and he's not the fertility “problem”. He's not the broken one. I am. Once we have “adult time” his worries are over until he's cut off for a few days a month.

We decided I would not go on birth control after the Bear's birth. We wanted a third child and it takes a long time for me to get pregnant so we figured that we should just let nature take control and see what happens. What happened was a whole lot of nothing beyond a PCOS diagnosis... which is often the fertility kiss of death. I just didn't sweat it. I decided my body had been through enough with the four pregnancies I'd already had. I put my foot down – I would not do clomid. I would not consider IUI or IVF. And anyway, there aren't a lot of hearts bleeding out there for tertiary infertility. Our two lovely boys are family enough. I monitored my fertility. I knew when I was ovulating. We timed things accordingly. And every month: disappointment.

All I could do was let it go. It wasn't meant to be. I moved on. I started my own business. I consigned or gave away our baby clothes and supplies. The Bear potty trained when he was two – so we were out of diapers and once you're done with those nasty things it's a tough sell to jump back in. While my husband continued to hope and even push for another I just accepted that the universe knew I had my hands full and settled into life as a mom of two wonderful, amazing, active, hilarious, kind-hearted, smart little boys. I was blessed beyond what I'd ever hoped for when starting a family and that was enough.

So no, we weren't "trying" for a third.

But I am apparently that mythical “friend” that everyone has.  The one who dealt with infertility and then, after giving up hope, magically shows up pregnant. I am that cruel spoiler whose story is told to women suffering through infertility everywhere. “Oh, I know a girl who tried for years to have a baby and just as soon as she quit trying she got pregnant.” I'm the sickening tease that leaves people with lingering hope when they thought they had none.  I am the story of consolation that well-meaning friends tell their 'infertile' friends with hopes of cheering them up - never knowing how close they come to being hit in the face with a purse by a heartbroken woman who just started her period.... again.

Only I never -  ever -  set out to be that mythical creature... the unicorn of aching, fertile hearts everywhere.   I didn't feel "infertile" anymore though my GYN chart lists it as a diagnosis.  I didn't long for that missing piece.  I considered myself "graduated" from my baby-having years and now I was just a busy mom with a busy business and busy kiddos.  I was happy.  And don't get me wrong, I am very happy to be pregnant.  I just wasn't "working" for it... and having worked for all of the other pregnancies, this is unfamiliar territory.

The truth is, in my “giving up” on getting pregnant, I did lots of things that would theoretically increase fertility, though I did not do those things with that purpose. I started spinning as exercise and now spin several hours a week. I discovered that eating a “paleo” diet made my body function better, helped me lose weight and decreased my insulin resistance. I started taking a natural supplement to decrease my anxiety and stress hormones. It is entirely possible that this helped my body do what it's “supposed to.” Honestly, we'll never know.

So it's a complicated question: “Were you trying to have another baby?”

Yes, desperately and for a long time.

But no, not really. I'd quit hoping and moved on with my life.

I'm 15+ weeks pregnant today and every time I think about it I'm still so stunned that it happened and that it's real. The baby that we'd always dreamed of but who I'd given up hope of ever holding is growing at a normal pace, with normal development and a totally normal pregnancy. I pray every day that the normal will continue and that in about 25 weeks my little surprise miracle baby will make our family complete.

Twenty Weeks, Third Baby

Twenty weeks today--halfway there, or so, right?  My second baby was a week early, so that means something.  At least in my head, haha.

I had an appointment with my fabulous midwife this week.  20 lbs up (which is good for me--I start my pregnancies really low, and gain fast) but definitely a bit dehydrated--I'm blaming that on Disney.  She was able to find the baby's heartbeat via fetoscope (somewhat like this one), which I prefer to doppler.  The heartbeat was in the 140s.  I wish I had kept better records of my first two pregnancies and the heart rates.

I have started feeling occasional movement, probably once a day at least.  I always feel reassured when I can feel movement regularly, even if it can be a false sense of security.

My 6 year old is fascinated with the measurements and motions my midwife goes through to check on the baby and me.  She tries to feel my uterus and is really interested in hearing the baby's heartbeat.  She has even tried to use her stethoscope to listen!  My newly-turned-three year old hardly even notices what is happening!  Age, gender, or personality differences--who knows?!  Probably all of the above!

Pregnant at Disney: a List of Dos and Don'ts

We spent the last week on a surprise trip to Disney World.  It was the first trip for our kids, and we went big!  We stayed on property (at Disney's Wilderness Lodge) and we enjoyed the Disney Dining Plan while we were there.  My parents and my husband's mom came with us to make it really special.  It was a truly great trip.  On that note, I wanted to include a few of my observations and experiences on being pregnant at Disney in September, since I saw lots of other pregnant mommas as well!

Tip #1:  Do not plan to "re-wear" any of your clothes.

If you are like me (and I hope others are, or this might make me feel weird), I only have a few pairs of pants/shorts/capris that fit me comfortably right now.  Since I'm due in February, I don't want to buy a lot of shorts because the majority of my maternity wardrobe is going to be jeans.  So I've got two pairs of capris.  I just planned to wear each pair for a couple of days, and do laundry once during the week while we were there.  Same with bras--I've only got two right now that fit somewhat comfortably.  Well, FYI--its kind of really hot in Orlando in September.  Add to that tons of walking, and my clothes were a sweaty mess at the end of the day.  I should have done way more laundry than I planned.  I'm very happy to be home, and wearing clean clothes today.  Including a bra.  Yay for clean bras.

Tip #2:  Two words: food mecca.

Even not pregnant, Disney has some amazing food choices.  I eat a lot, when I am pregnant.  I think we would have gone broke if we had not utilized the Disney Dining Plan (which was a promotion for when we were going).  The food was amazing.  Plan to eat a lot.  And use your snack credits for cupcakes, not bottles of water.  (On a healthy note, I was really pleasantly surprised with the number of healthy food choices--lots of fruit and vegetables available, so if you want to binge on junk food, that your own choice--you are not being forced to because of limited options!)

Tip #3:  Drink lots of water.

Lots of walking+lots of heat=lots of water drinking.  Dole whips do not count towards water consumption.

Tip #4:  Note all the bathroom locations.

Going hand in hand with tip #3, make sure you note all bathroom locations, especially just before or just after riding any rides.

Tip #5:  Lots of rides at Disney parks say that you should not ride them if pregnant.  Not a big deal for me, as I'm not a ride person, but if you are into thrill rides, you might want to postpone your Disney trip until after baby comes.

Tip #6:  Have a dinner planned for your return night.

Otherwise you have to figure something out.  After having driven all day.  And stopped every hour to pee (for your 6 year old, not for you--not really, anyway--you could have waited another half hour to pee).  And if you are like our family, you are tired of fast food after traveling for a week.  Luckily, pre-frozen meatballs, a jar of spaghetti sauce, and some noodles saved our night.

My family on the Tea Cup Ride.  Which we did not tell the kids how to work until we had about 5 seconds left.  No spinning for us, thanks.

Crinone Gel. Read at your own risk

I will warn you upfront: This blog contains personal and disgusting information. I'm only blogging about this because when I was frantically googling things I only found one other blogger brave enough to talk about some of the nasty things that happen with this gel. If you're not comfortable with the words vaginal discharge or explicit descriptions of said vaginal discharge– no judgment – but move on now.  Also, Dad, I know you're reading my blog.  This blog is not for you.  Please just close your browser now.

Crinone Gel. A seemingly necessary evil. It's a progesterone gel that is administered vaginally. Which means I insert an applicator directly into the hoo-haa, squeeze out the gel and hope for the best every day  - from the day I find out I'm pregnant until I reach 12 weeks gestation – or 14 weeks of pregnancy. It's used widely in the infertility world and it's also used widely on women who tend to miscarry.  There is conflicting research as to whether this actually does anything.  I can tell you I've been pregnant five times.  My two live births both involved using the gel, my two miscarriages didn't and I wasn't going to take any chances this time around.   Gel it is.  Please note: I do not show any signs of low progesterone. My blood work shows my progesterone levels in the normal range.  I just have a history of multiple miscarriage. Maybe the gel is a placebo. I hope not. It's too nasty to use just to trick your brain into supporting a pregnancy.  Or maybe it's just nasty enough to make my brain support the pregnancy and that's the evil genius. 

So here it is, Crinone gel.

I keep meaning to write the company and suggest a new plunger-style applicator – similar to the applicators used in yeast infection treatments. The current design involves squeezing and hoping that it all goes in. There is almost always a little left the applicator, which the info sheet in the box says is normal. I don't like it. I want it all in there.

I grabbed this image from another blog.  This is the applicator.  You twist off the circle part, insert and squeeze the rectangle part at the other end.

Now, the medicine in the gel is supposedly absorbed in a couple of hours. What's left is the – byproducts? It's the stuff that makes the gel stick to your insides. And, of course, what goes up must come down, right? Your magical vagina is designed to flush out stuff that doesn't belong. And the remnants of the progesterone gel do not belong. So, lucky you, every time you go to the bathroom you'll see little bits of tissue-like balls. And, to make it more fun for those of us using this gel due to multiple miscarriages, the gel will often come out in all sorts of fun colors. Sometimes it's black. Sometimes it's gray. Sometimes it's white as the driven snow. Sometimes it's an alarmingly peachy-nearly pink color. All of this is normal. Disgusting. Concerning. Normal. Now, I will say that I have never ever seen blood red or actual blood pink. If you see gel coming out with red or mixed with spotting please call your OB. Red is not a desired discharge color during pregnancy. Ever.  Don't assume the worst but if you see blood call your OB ASAP.

As if multi-colored discharge isn't gross enough, let's talk about clumps. Yea, that's right, the tissue-like substance builds up in there and sometimes it comes out in giant clumps. I mean like half-a-golf-ball-sized clumps.  That often happens when you poop - I assume it has to do with the pushing motion.  (Note: if you're on Zoforan for your morning sickness the pooping thing may be a distant memory thanks to the lovely constipation side effect).  You can usually feel the clump and take care of it on your own with a quick wipe or two - but it is not going to be the best part of your day.

Honestly, the clumps are not your worst-case scenario. I've read online about girls who went to the ER to have a doctor clean all of that impacted gel out. To prevent that and for general comfort and hygiene, your best bet is to clean yourself out in the shower. Use a finger, dig the bits out to avoid clumps building up. Remember when you thought pregnancy was pretty and dainty? Yea, those days are gone my friend. Clean the clumps out.

Side effects: I really don't have a lot that I know are from the gel (I have plenty of pregnancy side-effects but I have no way of knowing if they are made worse by the gel) beyond insane vaginal dryness. If you're going to have alone time with your sweetie do not expect your lady parts to play along willingly. Apart from the desert-like dryness down south, despite mentally being ready to go there is almost no amount of coaxing that would make me physically ready. Lube is your friend. 

After 12 weeks of the evil but seemingly necessary gel, I'm done. Thank you crinone for supporting me through these three pregnancies. But I won't miss you. Not even for a second.

First trimester screening

I am the ripe old age of 36 years old.

Old enough to know better.

Old enough to be hit with the label “advanced maternal age” by the OB.

It means nothing beyond a higher statistical risk for all sorts of horrible things to happen.

Since we're taking the “anything different is good” approach to this pregnancy, we've opted to go ahead and do the first trimester screening. We've always opted out of them because we would not abort a baby, no matter the issues. It had been my understanding that we'd catch any anomalies at the 18 week anatomy scan and that the reason they offer those tests in the 1st trimester is for parents who would end the pregnancy based on those fetal complications.

Well, I was all sorts of wrong.

Apparently, when detecting downs, the 18 week anatomy scan is accurate only about 50% of the time.

The screening also looks for all sorts of other genetic issues.

I love my babies as they are.  I don't, though, do surprises.

Insurance pays for the ultrasounds and blood tests.

Today, I had mine.

I wasn't concerned about the state of the pregnancy as I spent the morning vomiting violently.  An odd reassurance, I know.

We saw the heartbeat about 10 seconds after she turned the machine on. I love that little flicker and I love hearing the whoosh woosh woosh. Heart rate was 167 bpm.

On to the anatomy. The baby is curled into a tiny, lime-sized ball but its hands were right at its face. A full hand spread wide, showing 5 fingers. That instantly ruled out one of the trisomies (can't remember which one). Unfortunately the hand blocks any view of the baby's face.

We watched the baby jerk around a lot. Almost like it had hiccups. Apparently it's a startle reflex. The baby has just developed hands and feet, they move but the baby doesn't quite yet realize that it can control those weird moving things. So a hand moves, the baby jumps because it's startled. Absolutely hilarious. The startle thing only lasts a short time before the baby figures out it is, in fact, in charge of moving those limbs.

The ultrasound tech, who was awesome, prodded at my stomach until the baby's hand moved away from its face. Bam, two eyes. Another trisomy ruled out.

Nucal folds measured 1.6 which is apparently normal.

Finally we got to look at the baby's nose which was also seemingly normal.

We'll get more results in the next week or so from the blood test. It's not the blood test that will tell me the gender. I'm trying to work my way into that test.

It was such an absolute pleasure to go into an ultrasound relaxed and get to see the baby in such spectacular detail. Thirty-five glorious minutes of watching this unexpected little miracle squirm around inside me.  No anxiety.  No concern.  I just got to watch the tiny little person move around.  I kept trying to mentally send messages to the baby, like maybe my thoughts would translate to the new placenta and through the new little umbilical cord.  So maybe the baby would feel all of the love and care I was sending. I've had countless ultrasounds throughout the past 7+ years.  This one was the very best.

 The pregnancy, which has been an abstract idea until this point, suddenly feels incredibly real. For once, I don't fear it. All I feel is joy.

A day in the life of "morning" sickness

Wake up – open your eyes.

Assess stomach

Feel a veil of nausea floating on top.

Get up and pee.

Feel the gaggy part of your throat do its thing.

Take a zoforan.

Get on facebook.

Consider posting a status about how everything in the world makes you want to throw up.

Remember you're not facebook official with the baby yet.

Stifle a gag.

Smell husband's coffee/egg/bacon/breakfast cooking.

Go to a zen place because if you puke up the zoforan you won't be able to take more because you won't have any idea how much absorbed in the first place.

Lay back down

Realize that moving in any way is a bad idea

Realize that someone has to take care of your kids.

Get up.

Put on same clothes as yesterday.

Contemplate whether it's time to switch to maternity stuff as pants are digging in at the bellybutton.

Opt instead for a long skirt that can go all the way up to your bra.

Make bed.

Realize that bending over is a bad idea.

Run to the toilet and throw up.

Brush teeth.

Brush hair.

Vow to grow hair out so that a ponytail becomes an option.

Do not make eye contact with the toilet. Simply seeing the toilet will bring on more vomiting.

Note that the room smells of “toilet”

Run to the kids rooms to make beds.

Face the fact that now you have to go downstairs and be mom as dad is out the door in 10 minutes.

Turn on a movie for the kids and lay on the couch.

Feel obligated to do something.
Hop in the shower.
Lean out of the shower to throw up into the toilet.
Finish shower.

Start a load of laundry.

Realize the house smells like breakfast and you can't take it. Get the kids in the car and make a run for it. End up at Target. Walk around for five minutes and realize this is a colossal mistake.

Get the heck out of Target, drive through Chick-fil-a for lunch for the kids.

Get home and sip lemonade.

Stomach growls.

Eat a couple of the kids' chicken nuggets.
Note with delight that the nuggets stay down.'
Nuggets settle in stomach.
Wish you were dead.
Lay down on couch.
Sip more lemonade.
Stomach calms down.
Stomach growls.
Do not fall for that again.
Get off the couch.

Feel safe enough to clean the breakfast dishes. 
Get busy around the house, switch the laundry, turn off the TV, read with the kids, color with the kids, feel human.

Boldly eat an apple.

Whimper on the couch while the kids watch Jake and the Neverland Pirates for the next hour.

Realize that it's dinner time and you're the only one tall enough to operate the stove.

Make rice because it doesn't smell.

Make chicken in the oven to avoid the smell. Try to remember to season it.
Close your eyes the whole time you're handling the chicken.
There are smells everywhere.
Go to your zen place.

Open a can of green beans and cook them.

Wipe tears from your eyes when husband comes home. Throw food on plates and run to your room for some more medicine.

Lay on your bed very still in hopes that not moving will both make the medication take effect faster and keep the medicine in your stomach rather than toilet.

Hear everyone having fun downstairs and feel like a loser.
Get on Facebook and see everyone having great evenings with their families.
Get on Pinterest and realize that you are the world's worst mom.
Pin desert recipes.
Pin cute outfit ideas that you will never fit into again.
Pounding of kids coming up the stairs.

Breathe a huge sigh of relief when husband gets the kids ready for bed.
Read stories to the kids.
Kiss the kids.

Notice the medicine taking effect and make some toast and quickly eat it.

Collapse in bed at 8:15.

Tomorrow is another day.

Third Time's a Charm

This pregnancy has been very different for me, symptom-wise, from my first two.  With both of my first pregnancies, I was lucky to avoid nausea and morning sickness (don't hate me, please), and general discomfort for the first trimester.  Around the end of the first trimester/beginning of the second (about 14 weeks) with both babies, I got hormone migraines, which were rough.  With #1, I actually ended up hospitalized due to dehydration because of the migraine.  I was with a very conventional OB practice at that point still (I switched around 28 weeks to a CNM), and I think that led to a lot of those complications.  I also did not yet have a chiropractor in the area that I could visit.  With baby #2, I got the same migraine at about the same point, and I was able to keep it under control with a combination of natural treatments, homeopathy, and chiropractic care.  On the day it was the worst, I was able to drop my daughter off at an amazing friend's house to head to the chiropractor, and then I came home to take a nap, and I slept most of it off.  It certainly takes a village, and I am so lucky to have an amazing one.

This time, I started with constant nausea.  Nothing sounded good.  The thought of any food was horrible.  The only thing I could manage to even think about was french fries (much to my children's delight).  After the nausea subsided around 11 weeks, I had a good week.  Then I got a horrible stomach pain, which lasted almost a week, and again, kept me from eating for almost that whole time.  It could have been stress, as we were moving the next week.  It could have been reintroducing dairy into my diet, after being dairy-free for more than two and half years, due to breastfeeding my dairy-intolerant son.  It could have been all of that or none of it.  But it was a long, rough week.  After that, I had another good week.  Then, around 15 weeks, the hormonal headaches started.  There is nothing quite so unfair as waking up with a headache.  And you know its going to last all day.  And you will go to sleep with it, and wake up with it again the next day.  This time, the headaches have not been so intense, but have lasted longer.  They are, in fact still hanging on.  I usually wake up with one, and I have it for a few hours, until the "morning fog" has lifted from my brain.  And sometimes I go to bed with one.  But most of my daytime hours are without a headache lately, which is good.  I am glad for that.

I am looking forward to the next few weeks, which are usually pretty comfortable for me during pregnancy.  Although, so far, this pregnancy has certainly not followed my past patterns.  We will see if things are different!

Limbo

I am now nearly 13 weeks pregnant. I can see the second trimester just over the horizon and I'd sprint there if I could. I keep hearing about the second-trimester burst of energy and not only could I use that, my family would be really appreciative of having mom back instead of this lump of boring who is able to do just enough to keep things going but isn't able to really get into anything.

But a couple of weeks go, it was a different story.

At 10.5 weeks pregnant you're in limbo.

If you're me, you start to look dumpy in your regular clothes but refuse to move on to maternity clothes because it may jinx the pregnancy.

Most of our family and close friends know I'm expecting but it's not out there on Facebook for all of the masses on the interwebs to comment on.

In full limbo mode, I went to the OB's office for the big 10-week work up. This is the long Q&A with a nurse detailing both my husband's and my health histories. This is the third time we've done the work-up. I'm not at all sure why the nurse needs to know about my husband's grandfather's health history or how it pertains to the baby, but here we are.

She drops husband in the room and takes me to the scale. Down 4 lbs, BP was 114/62. Yippee! She then asks in a whisper: “I'm going to ask you some very personal questions. Is there anything you don't want me talking about in front of your husband? We can talk about it now. History of STDs? Abortions? “ I assured her that I had no secrets and we went to the room to get started.

15 – 20 minutes of boring questions asked by a disinterested nurse. When we got to my pregnancy history she went from disinterested to insulting. She couldn't fathom why I differentiated between my miscarriages and a woman having an abortion. The conversation went something like this:

Nurse: How many pregnancies have you had?

Me: 5

Nurse: How many living children do you have?

Me: 2

Nurse: How many abortions have you had?

Me: Zero.

Nurse: Okay, then, um, how many kids do you have?

Me: I have two sons.

Nurse: And you've had 5 pregnancies?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: And no abortions?

Me: No, I've had two miscarriages. One at six weeks. One at 9.5 weeks. I have never intentionally ended a pregnancy.

Nurse: Oh, okay, two abortions.

Me: (sitting on my hands to not throat punch her)

Now, I understand that in medical coding a miscarriage is an abortion. I know that they code my ultrasounds in the 1st trimester as “threatened abortion” because I have a long history of miscarriage. But, word to the wise, abortion in the general world means something else.

That cleared up, the nurse continued her dry, droll questioning. Husband & I are honestly just happy to make it to this point in pregnancy and we're trying to be cheerful and engage her in conversation.

Then she says:

Okay, I'm going to go get the doppler and we'll listen for a heartbeat then you'll see the doctor.

Right. Now, I know that at 10.5 weeks it's unlikely we'll hear one. I have a big tummy and scar tissue from two c-sections. I also know that not hearing one will send me into an anxiety place that I'm not interested in being in. Remember, I'm in limbo and I'm the mom who has been on the wrong side of statistics several times in my pregnancy life. After forever, the nurse comes back in with the doppler and for 15 agonizing minutes tries to find the heartbeat. Nothing. I knew this. I expected this. I hate this nurse. She says:

Oh, there's nothing to worry about. Everything is just fine.

Husband responds:

“How can you say that? You have no idea if everything is okay.”

“Well sir, she is really early to hear anything on doppler”

'Yes, but she has a long history of miscarriage. We just talked about it. Don't say everything is fine. We have been on the other side of fine before.”

I fall in love with my husband again for confronting the nurse and acknowledging our miscarriages.

The grumpy nurse takes us to yet another room and says the doctor will try but again, everything is fine.

I sit in silence for 10 minutes. Fuming. Angry. Hating my scar tissue for blocking the doppler. Hating my fat tummy for blocking it. Hating my husband for calmly playing on his tablet like nothing was wrong. Hating limbo.

The doctor comes in. She'd helped deliver G and was happy to see us again. She says she's gonna give it a shot on the doppler. She means business. She presses gently at the top of my growing tummy and squishes everything up a bit. She searched for less than 3 minutes.

There it was.

The reassuring whir of a baby's heartbeat on doppler We were able to get it for about 10 seconds...  baby's heart  was beating at 151 beats per minute.

I wanted to kiss the doctor.

I feel out of limbo, but I'm still not ready to switch to maternity clothes just yet.