Were you trying for a baby?

It's one of the many questions I'm asked about this pregnancy:

“Were you trying to get pregnant?”

The fact is – this pregnancy is a total surprise. My husband and I, in our fantasy family talks, always wanted three children. We battled infertility for more than a year before having our first. I've had multiple miscarriages. I've had to fight tooth and nail for both of the kids we already have.

When you're a child-bearing-age woman you hear that women's bodies are evolved/made to have babies. So what do you do when your body is broken and can't release eggs or implant the fertilized egg or make hormones to sustain the pregnancy or keep the cervix closed until the baby is full term? What do you do? You feel broken. And you cry. And you watch enviously as women around you pop babies out and then say how much it didn't hurt. And you see teenagers casually having babies like it's no big deal sitting next to you in the OB office where you've just found out that despite the fact that you're married, financially stable and have a four-bedroom house on two acres of land, you've just miscarried again. And you cry. And you secretly hate women with babies. And you judge them because if you had a baby you wouldn't ignore it while tapping away on your smart phone.

Long story short, infertility and pregnancy loss is a hard, cruel hand to be dealt in life when all you want is a baby.

So you might understand why, after our second child presented us such a challenge the first two years of his life by basically refusing to sleep, I wasn't anxious to jump into the “game' of getting pregnant again. My husband would have twenty-five kids if he could. The losses don't affect him and he's not the fertility “problem”. He's not the broken one. I am. Once we have “adult time” his worries are over until he's cut off for a few days a month.

We decided I would not go on birth control after the Bear's birth. We wanted a third child and it takes a long time for me to get pregnant so we figured that we should just let nature take control and see what happens. What happened was a whole lot of nothing beyond a PCOS diagnosis... which is often the fertility kiss of death. I just didn't sweat it. I decided my body had been through enough with the four pregnancies I'd already had. I put my foot down – I would not do clomid. I would not consider IUI or IVF. And anyway, there aren't a lot of hearts bleeding out there for tertiary infertility. Our two lovely boys are family enough. I monitored my fertility. I knew when I was ovulating. We timed things accordingly. And every month: disappointment.

All I could do was let it go. It wasn't meant to be. I moved on. I started my own business. I consigned or gave away our baby clothes and supplies. The Bear potty trained when he was two – so we were out of diapers and once you're done with those nasty things it's a tough sell to jump back in. While my husband continued to hope and even push for another I just accepted that the universe knew I had my hands full and settled into life as a mom of two wonderful, amazing, active, hilarious, kind-hearted, smart little boys. I was blessed beyond what I'd ever hoped for when starting a family and that was enough.

So no, we weren't "trying" for a third.

But I am apparently that mythical “friend” that everyone has.  The one who dealt with infertility and then, after giving up hope, magically shows up pregnant. I am that cruel spoiler whose story is told to women suffering through infertility everywhere. “Oh, I know a girl who tried for years to have a baby and just as soon as she quit trying she got pregnant.” I'm the sickening tease that leaves people with lingering hope when they thought they had none.  I am the story of consolation that well-meaning friends tell their 'infertile' friends with hopes of cheering them up - never knowing how close they come to being hit in the face with a purse by a heartbroken woman who just started her period.... again.

Only I never -  ever -  set out to be that mythical creature... the unicorn of aching, fertile hearts everywhere.   I didn't feel "infertile" anymore though my GYN chart lists it as a diagnosis.  I didn't long for that missing piece.  I considered myself "graduated" from my baby-having years and now I was just a busy mom with a busy business and busy kiddos.  I was happy.  And don't get me wrong, I am very happy to be pregnant.  I just wasn't "working" for it... and having worked for all of the other pregnancies, this is unfamiliar territory.

The truth is, in my “giving up” on getting pregnant, I did lots of things that would theoretically increase fertility, though I did not do those things with that purpose. I started spinning as exercise and now spin several hours a week. I discovered that eating a “paleo” diet made my body function better, helped me lose weight and decreased my insulin resistance. I started taking a natural supplement to decrease my anxiety and stress hormones. It is entirely possible that this helped my body do what it's “supposed to.” Honestly, we'll never know.

So it's a complicated question: “Were you trying to have another baby?”

Yes, desperately and for a long time.

But no, not really. I'd quit hoping and moved on with my life.

I'm 15+ weeks pregnant today and every time I think about it I'm still so stunned that it happened and that it's real. The baby that we'd always dreamed of but who I'd given up hope of ever holding is growing at a normal pace, with normal development and a totally normal pregnancy. I pray every day that the normal will continue and that in about 25 weeks my little surprise miracle baby will make our family complete.