NOT AGAIN!

It happened AGAIN.

Regular OB appointment.

Nurse comes in.

Nurse can't find the heartbeat.

I contain rage and anger and horror.

Doctor comes in and says he'll try for a minute but if he doesn't find it he'll just take me to ultrasound as he knows I'm about to jump out of my skin. (As an aside, this is the doctor who saved my life with G, did my D&E, delivered the Bear and who, as far as I'm concerned, walks on water). He plops the doppler on my growing belly and 30 seconds later finds the heartbeat about 4 inches above where the nurse was looking for it.

Relived? Yes.

Amused? No.

I need to hear that whoosh whoosh whoosh of a baby heartbeat or I go to a very, very unhappy place.

Turns out $40 on Amazon will fix that.

Check out the Angel Sounds fetal doppler. I was dubious that it would work so early in a pregnancy but the reviews all suggested that it would work by about 14 weeks and for the money it was worth a shot for the piece of mind.

I added $4 to the Amazon Prime we already have – to have it overnighted – that's just how I decided to roll.

It absolutely need some sort of gel to glide over your skin. I actually ended up using some of the Pure Romance “just like me” lube that we had because, well, it seemed like the right consistency. It worked like a charm. (I do have some actual gel that I ordered with the Angel Sounds thing but I didn't feel the need to overnight it) I found the baby's heartbeat after about five minutes of trying. The machine doesn't give you a reading of the heart rate itself - you just hear that lovely sound that lets you know the baby is still there.

I've had it for about a week now... and believe it or not, I don't use it every day. There's no time for it during the day – and at night I'm busy or exhausted or both. I do love knowing I can check in whenever I want on the little lemon (current estimated size of the baby) and get the piece of mind I need to be comfortable.

Also, since I figured out how to do it in about 30 seconds – what exactly is the problem with the nurses at my OB's office?  I am going to go with "overworked" as opposed to "lazy" as I'd like to give the benefit of the doubt.  Clearly though, they need another doppler-operation seminar!

Were you trying for a baby?

It's one of the many questions I'm asked about this pregnancy:

“Were you trying to get pregnant?”

The fact is – this pregnancy is a total surprise. My husband and I, in our fantasy family talks, always wanted three children. We battled infertility for more than a year before having our first. I've had multiple miscarriages. I've had to fight tooth and nail for both of the kids we already have.

When you're a child-bearing-age woman you hear that women's bodies are evolved/made to have babies. So what do you do when your body is broken and can't release eggs or implant the fertilized egg or make hormones to sustain the pregnancy or keep the cervix closed until the baby is full term? What do you do? You feel broken. And you cry. And you watch enviously as women around you pop babies out and then say how much it didn't hurt. And you see teenagers casually having babies like it's no big deal sitting next to you in the OB office where you've just found out that despite the fact that you're married, financially stable and have a four-bedroom house on two acres of land, you've just miscarried again. And you cry. And you secretly hate women with babies. And you judge them because if you had a baby you wouldn't ignore it while tapping away on your smart phone.

Long story short, infertility and pregnancy loss is a hard, cruel hand to be dealt in life when all you want is a baby.

So you might understand why, after our second child presented us such a challenge the first two years of his life by basically refusing to sleep, I wasn't anxious to jump into the “game' of getting pregnant again. My husband would have twenty-five kids if he could. The losses don't affect him and he's not the fertility “problem”. He's not the broken one. I am. Once we have “adult time” his worries are over until he's cut off for a few days a month.

We decided I would not go on birth control after the Bear's birth. We wanted a third child and it takes a long time for me to get pregnant so we figured that we should just let nature take control and see what happens. What happened was a whole lot of nothing beyond a PCOS diagnosis... which is often the fertility kiss of death. I just didn't sweat it. I decided my body had been through enough with the four pregnancies I'd already had. I put my foot down – I would not do clomid. I would not consider IUI or IVF. And anyway, there aren't a lot of hearts bleeding out there for tertiary infertility. Our two lovely boys are family enough. I monitored my fertility. I knew when I was ovulating. We timed things accordingly. And every month: disappointment.

All I could do was let it go. It wasn't meant to be. I moved on. I started my own business. I consigned or gave away our baby clothes and supplies. The Bear potty trained when he was two – so we were out of diapers and once you're done with those nasty things it's a tough sell to jump back in. While my husband continued to hope and even push for another I just accepted that the universe knew I had my hands full and settled into life as a mom of two wonderful, amazing, active, hilarious, kind-hearted, smart little boys. I was blessed beyond what I'd ever hoped for when starting a family and that was enough.

So no, we weren't "trying" for a third.

But I am apparently that mythical “friend” that everyone has.  The one who dealt with infertility and then, after giving up hope, magically shows up pregnant. I am that cruel spoiler whose story is told to women suffering through infertility everywhere. “Oh, I know a girl who tried for years to have a baby and just as soon as she quit trying she got pregnant.” I'm the sickening tease that leaves people with lingering hope when they thought they had none.  I am the story of consolation that well-meaning friends tell their 'infertile' friends with hopes of cheering them up - never knowing how close they come to being hit in the face with a purse by a heartbroken woman who just started her period.... again.

Only I never -  ever -  set out to be that mythical creature... the unicorn of aching, fertile hearts everywhere.   I didn't feel "infertile" anymore though my GYN chart lists it as a diagnosis.  I didn't long for that missing piece.  I considered myself "graduated" from my baby-having years and now I was just a busy mom with a busy business and busy kiddos.  I was happy.  And don't get me wrong, I am very happy to be pregnant.  I just wasn't "working" for it... and having worked for all of the other pregnancies, this is unfamiliar territory.

The truth is, in my “giving up” on getting pregnant, I did lots of things that would theoretically increase fertility, though I did not do those things with that purpose. I started spinning as exercise and now spin several hours a week. I discovered that eating a “paleo” diet made my body function better, helped me lose weight and decreased my insulin resistance. I started taking a natural supplement to decrease my anxiety and stress hormones. It is entirely possible that this helped my body do what it's “supposed to.” Honestly, we'll never know.

So it's a complicated question: “Were you trying to have another baby?”

Yes, desperately and for a long time.

But no, not really. I'd quit hoping and moved on with my life.

I'm 15+ weeks pregnant today and every time I think about it I'm still so stunned that it happened and that it's real. The baby that we'd always dreamed of but who I'd given up hope of ever holding is growing at a normal pace, with normal development and a totally normal pregnancy. I pray every day that the normal will continue and that in about 25 weeks my little surprise miracle baby will make our family complete.

Twenty Weeks, Third Baby

Twenty weeks today--halfway there, or so, right?  My second baby was a week early, so that means something.  At least in my head, haha.

I had an appointment with my fabulous midwife this week.  20 lbs up (which is good for me--I start my pregnancies really low, and gain fast) but definitely a bit dehydrated--I'm blaming that on Disney.  She was able to find the baby's heartbeat via fetoscope (somewhat like this one), which I prefer to doppler.  The heartbeat was in the 140s.  I wish I had kept better records of my first two pregnancies and the heart rates.

I have started feeling occasional movement, probably once a day at least.  I always feel reassured when I can feel movement regularly, even if it can be a false sense of security.

My 6 year old is fascinated with the measurements and motions my midwife goes through to check on the baby and me.  She tries to feel my uterus and is really interested in hearing the baby's heartbeat.  She has even tried to use her stethoscope to listen!  My newly-turned-three year old hardly even notices what is happening!  Age, gender, or personality differences--who knows?!  Probably all of the above!

Pregnant at Disney: a List of Dos and Don'ts

We spent the last week on a surprise trip to Disney World.  It was the first trip for our kids, and we went big!  We stayed on property (at Disney's Wilderness Lodge) and we enjoyed the Disney Dining Plan while we were there.  My parents and my husband's mom came with us to make it really special.  It was a truly great trip.  On that note, I wanted to include a few of my observations and experiences on being pregnant at Disney in September, since I saw lots of other pregnant mommas as well!

Tip #1:  Do not plan to "re-wear" any of your clothes.

If you are like me (and I hope others are, or this might make me feel weird), I only have a few pairs of pants/shorts/capris that fit me comfortably right now.  Since I'm due in February, I don't want to buy a lot of shorts because the majority of my maternity wardrobe is going to be jeans.  So I've got two pairs of capris.  I just planned to wear each pair for a couple of days, and do laundry once during the week while we were there.  Same with bras--I've only got two right now that fit somewhat comfortably.  Well, FYI--its kind of really hot in Orlando in September.  Add to that tons of walking, and my clothes were a sweaty mess at the end of the day.  I should have done way more laundry than I planned.  I'm very happy to be home, and wearing clean clothes today.  Including a bra.  Yay for clean bras.

Tip #2:  Two words: food mecca.

Even not pregnant, Disney has some amazing food choices.  I eat a lot, when I am pregnant.  I think we would have gone broke if we had not utilized the Disney Dining Plan (which was a promotion for when we were going).  The food was amazing.  Plan to eat a lot.  And use your snack credits for cupcakes, not bottles of water.  (On a healthy note, I was really pleasantly surprised with the number of healthy food choices--lots of fruit and vegetables available, so if you want to binge on junk food, that your own choice--you are not being forced to because of limited options!)

Tip #3:  Drink lots of water.

Lots of walking+lots of heat=lots of water drinking.  Dole whips do not count towards water consumption.

Tip #4:  Note all the bathroom locations.

Going hand in hand with tip #3, make sure you note all bathroom locations, especially just before or just after riding any rides.

Tip #5:  Lots of rides at Disney parks say that you should not ride them if pregnant.  Not a big deal for me, as I'm not a ride person, but if you are into thrill rides, you might want to postpone your Disney trip until after baby comes.

Tip #6:  Have a dinner planned for your return night.

Otherwise you have to figure something out.  After having driven all day.  And stopped every hour to pee (for your 6 year old, not for you--not really, anyway--you could have waited another half hour to pee).  And if you are like our family, you are tired of fast food after traveling for a week.  Luckily, pre-frozen meatballs, a jar of spaghetti sauce, and some noodles saved our night.

My family on the Tea Cup Ride.  Which we did not tell the kids how to work until we had about 5 seconds left.  No spinning for us, thanks.

Crinone Gel. Read at your own risk

I will warn you upfront: This blog contains personal and disgusting information. I'm only blogging about this because when I was frantically googling things I only found one other blogger brave enough to talk about some of the nasty things that happen with this gel. If you're not comfortable with the words vaginal discharge or explicit descriptions of said vaginal discharge– no judgment – but move on now.  Also, Dad, I know you're reading my blog.  This blog is not for you.  Please just close your browser now.

Crinone Gel. A seemingly necessary evil. It's a progesterone gel that is administered vaginally. Which means I insert an applicator directly into the hoo-haa, squeeze out the gel and hope for the best every day  - from the day I find out I'm pregnant until I reach 12 weeks gestation – or 14 weeks of pregnancy. It's used widely in the infertility world and it's also used widely on women who tend to miscarry.  There is conflicting research as to whether this actually does anything.  I can tell you I've been pregnant five times.  My two live births both involved using the gel, my two miscarriages didn't and I wasn't going to take any chances this time around.   Gel it is.  Please note: I do not show any signs of low progesterone. My blood work shows my progesterone levels in the normal range.  I just have a history of multiple miscarriage. Maybe the gel is a placebo. I hope not. It's too nasty to use just to trick your brain into supporting a pregnancy.  Or maybe it's just nasty enough to make my brain support the pregnancy and that's the evil genius. 

So here it is, Crinone gel.

I keep meaning to write the company and suggest a new plunger-style applicator – similar to the applicators used in yeast infection treatments. The current design involves squeezing and hoping that it all goes in. There is almost always a little left the applicator, which the info sheet in the box says is normal. I don't like it. I want it all in there.

I grabbed this image from another blog.  This is the applicator.  You twist off the circle part, insert and squeeze the rectangle part at the other end.

Now, the medicine in the gel is supposedly absorbed in a couple of hours. What's left is the – byproducts? It's the stuff that makes the gel stick to your insides. And, of course, what goes up must come down, right? Your magical vagina is designed to flush out stuff that doesn't belong. And the remnants of the progesterone gel do not belong. So, lucky you, every time you go to the bathroom you'll see little bits of tissue-like balls. And, to make it more fun for those of us using this gel due to multiple miscarriages, the gel will often come out in all sorts of fun colors. Sometimes it's black. Sometimes it's gray. Sometimes it's white as the driven snow. Sometimes it's an alarmingly peachy-nearly pink color. All of this is normal. Disgusting. Concerning. Normal. Now, I will say that I have never ever seen blood red or actual blood pink. If you see gel coming out with red or mixed with spotting please call your OB. Red is not a desired discharge color during pregnancy. Ever.  Don't assume the worst but if you see blood call your OB ASAP.

As if multi-colored discharge isn't gross enough, let's talk about clumps. Yea, that's right, the tissue-like substance builds up in there and sometimes it comes out in giant clumps. I mean like half-a-golf-ball-sized clumps.  That often happens when you poop - I assume it has to do with the pushing motion.  (Note: if you're on Zoforan for your morning sickness the pooping thing may be a distant memory thanks to the lovely constipation side effect).  You can usually feel the clump and take care of it on your own with a quick wipe or two - but it is not going to be the best part of your day.

Honestly, the clumps are not your worst-case scenario. I've read online about girls who went to the ER to have a doctor clean all of that impacted gel out. To prevent that and for general comfort and hygiene, your best bet is to clean yourself out in the shower. Use a finger, dig the bits out to avoid clumps building up. Remember when you thought pregnancy was pretty and dainty? Yea, those days are gone my friend. Clean the clumps out.

Side effects: I really don't have a lot that I know are from the gel (I have plenty of pregnancy side-effects but I have no way of knowing if they are made worse by the gel) beyond insane vaginal dryness. If you're going to have alone time with your sweetie do not expect your lady parts to play along willingly. Apart from the desert-like dryness down south, despite mentally being ready to go there is almost no amount of coaxing that would make me physically ready. Lube is your friend. 

After 12 weeks of the evil but seemingly necessary gel, I'm done. Thank you crinone for supporting me through these three pregnancies. But I won't miss you. Not even for a second.

First trimester screening

I am the ripe old age of 36 years old.

Old enough to know better.

Old enough to be hit with the label “advanced maternal age” by the OB.

It means nothing beyond a higher statistical risk for all sorts of horrible things to happen.

Since we're taking the “anything different is good” approach to this pregnancy, we've opted to go ahead and do the first trimester screening. We've always opted out of them because we would not abort a baby, no matter the issues. It had been my understanding that we'd catch any anomalies at the 18 week anatomy scan and that the reason they offer those tests in the 1st trimester is for parents who would end the pregnancy based on those fetal complications.

Well, I was all sorts of wrong.

Apparently, when detecting downs, the 18 week anatomy scan is accurate only about 50% of the time.

The screening also looks for all sorts of other genetic issues.

I love my babies as they are.  I don't, though, do surprises.

Insurance pays for the ultrasounds and blood tests.

Today, I had mine.

I wasn't concerned about the state of the pregnancy as I spent the morning vomiting violently.  An odd reassurance, I know.

We saw the heartbeat about 10 seconds after she turned the machine on. I love that little flicker and I love hearing the whoosh woosh woosh. Heart rate was 167 bpm.

On to the anatomy. The baby is curled into a tiny, lime-sized ball but its hands were right at its face. A full hand spread wide, showing 5 fingers. That instantly ruled out one of the trisomies (can't remember which one). Unfortunately the hand blocks any view of the baby's face.

We watched the baby jerk around a lot. Almost like it had hiccups. Apparently it's a startle reflex. The baby has just developed hands and feet, they move but the baby doesn't quite yet realize that it can control those weird moving things. So a hand moves, the baby jumps because it's startled. Absolutely hilarious. The startle thing only lasts a short time before the baby figures out it is, in fact, in charge of moving those limbs.

The ultrasound tech, who was awesome, prodded at my stomach until the baby's hand moved away from its face. Bam, two eyes. Another trisomy ruled out.

Nucal folds measured 1.6 which is apparently normal.

Finally we got to look at the baby's nose which was also seemingly normal.

We'll get more results in the next week or so from the blood test. It's not the blood test that will tell me the gender. I'm trying to work my way into that test.

It was such an absolute pleasure to go into an ultrasound relaxed and get to see the baby in such spectacular detail. Thirty-five glorious minutes of watching this unexpected little miracle squirm around inside me.  No anxiety.  No concern.  I just got to watch the tiny little person move around.  I kept trying to mentally send messages to the baby, like maybe my thoughts would translate to the new placenta and through the new little umbilical cord.  So maybe the baby would feel all of the love and care I was sending. I've had countless ultrasounds throughout the past 7+ years.  This one was the very best.

 The pregnancy, which has been an abstract idea until this point, suddenly feels incredibly real. For once, I don't fear it. All I feel is joy.

A day in the life of "morning" sickness

Wake up – open your eyes.

Assess stomach

Feel a veil of nausea floating on top.

Get up and pee.

Feel the gaggy part of your throat do its thing.

Take a zoforan.

Get on facebook.

Consider posting a status about how everything in the world makes you want to throw up.

Remember you're not facebook official with the baby yet.

Stifle a gag.

Smell husband's coffee/egg/bacon/breakfast cooking.

Go to a zen place because if you puke up the zoforan you won't be able to take more because you won't have any idea how much absorbed in the first place.

Lay back down

Realize that moving in any way is a bad idea

Realize that someone has to take care of your kids.

Get up.

Put on same clothes as yesterday.

Contemplate whether it's time to switch to maternity stuff as pants are digging in at the bellybutton.

Opt instead for a long skirt that can go all the way up to your bra.

Make bed.

Realize that bending over is a bad idea.

Run to the toilet and throw up.

Brush teeth.

Brush hair.

Vow to grow hair out so that a ponytail becomes an option.

Do not make eye contact with the toilet. Simply seeing the toilet will bring on more vomiting.

Note that the room smells of “toilet”

Run to the kids rooms to make beds.

Face the fact that now you have to go downstairs and be mom as dad is out the door in 10 minutes.

Turn on a movie for the kids and lay on the couch.

Feel obligated to do something.
Hop in the shower.
Lean out of the shower to throw up into the toilet.
Finish shower.

Start a load of laundry.

Realize the house smells like breakfast and you can't take it. Get the kids in the car and make a run for it. End up at Target. Walk around for five minutes and realize this is a colossal mistake.

Get the heck out of Target, drive through Chick-fil-a for lunch for the kids.

Get home and sip lemonade.

Stomach growls.

Eat a couple of the kids' chicken nuggets.
Note with delight that the nuggets stay down.'
Nuggets settle in stomach.
Wish you were dead.
Lay down on couch.
Sip more lemonade.
Stomach calms down.
Stomach growls.
Do not fall for that again.
Get off the couch.

Feel safe enough to clean the breakfast dishes. 
Get busy around the house, switch the laundry, turn off the TV, read with the kids, color with the kids, feel human.

Boldly eat an apple.

Whimper on the couch while the kids watch Jake and the Neverland Pirates for the next hour.

Realize that it's dinner time and you're the only one tall enough to operate the stove.

Make rice because it doesn't smell.

Make chicken in the oven to avoid the smell. Try to remember to season it.
Close your eyes the whole time you're handling the chicken.
There are smells everywhere.
Go to your zen place.

Open a can of green beans and cook them.

Wipe tears from your eyes when husband comes home. Throw food on plates and run to your room for some more medicine.

Lay on your bed very still in hopes that not moving will both make the medication take effect faster and keep the medicine in your stomach rather than toilet.

Hear everyone having fun downstairs and feel like a loser.
Get on Facebook and see everyone having great evenings with their families.
Get on Pinterest and realize that you are the world's worst mom.
Pin desert recipes.
Pin cute outfit ideas that you will never fit into again.
Pounding of kids coming up the stairs.

Breathe a huge sigh of relief when husband gets the kids ready for bed.
Read stories to the kids.
Kiss the kids.

Notice the medicine taking effect and make some toast and quickly eat it.

Collapse in bed at 8:15.

Tomorrow is another day.

Third Time's a Charm

This pregnancy has been very different for me, symptom-wise, from my first two.  With both of my first pregnancies, I was lucky to avoid nausea and morning sickness (don't hate me, please), and general discomfort for the first trimester.  Around the end of the first trimester/beginning of the second (about 14 weeks) with both babies, I got hormone migraines, which were rough.  With #1, I actually ended up hospitalized due to dehydration because of the migraine.  I was with a very conventional OB practice at that point still (I switched around 28 weeks to a CNM), and I think that led to a lot of those complications.  I also did not yet have a chiropractor in the area that I could visit.  With baby #2, I got the same migraine at about the same point, and I was able to keep it under control with a combination of natural treatments, homeopathy, and chiropractic care.  On the day it was the worst, I was able to drop my daughter off at an amazing friend's house to head to the chiropractor, and then I came home to take a nap, and I slept most of it off.  It certainly takes a village, and I am so lucky to have an amazing one.

This time, I started with constant nausea.  Nothing sounded good.  The thought of any food was horrible.  The only thing I could manage to even think about was french fries (much to my children's delight).  After the nausea subsided around 11 weeks, I had a good week.  Then I got a horrible stomach pain, which lasted almost a week, and again, kept me from eating for almost that whole time.  It could have been stress, as we were moving the next week.  It could have been reintroducing dairy into my diet, after being dairy-free for more than two and half years, due to breastfeeding my dairy-intolerant son.  It could have been all of that or none of it.  But it was a long, rough week.  After that, I had another good week.  Then, around 15 weeks, the hormonal headaches started.  There is nothing quite so unfair as waking up with a headache.  And you know its going to last all day.  And you will go to sleep with it, and wake up with it again the next day.  This time, the headaches have not been so intense, but have lasted longer.  They are, in fact still hanging on.  I usually wake up with one, and I have it for a few hours, until the "morning fog" has lifted from my brain.  And sometimes I go to bed with one.  But most of my daytime hours are without a headache lately, which is good.  I am glad for that.

I am looking forward to the next few weeks, which are usually pretty comfortable for me during pregnancy.  Although, so far, this pregnancy has certainly not followed my past patterns.  We will see if things are different!

Limbo

I am now nearly 13 weeks pregnant. I can see the second trimester just over the horizon and I'd sprint there if I could. I keep hearing about the second-trimester burst of energy and not only could I use that, my family would be really appreciative of having mom back instead of this lump of boring who is able to do just enough to keep things going but isn't able to really get into anything.

But a couple of weeks go, it was a different story.

At 10.5 weeks pregnant you're in limbo.

If you're me, you start to look dumpy in your regular clothes but refuse to move on to maternity clothes because it may jinx the pregnancy.

Most of our family and close friends know I'm expecting but it's not out there on Facebook for all of the masses on the interwebs to comment on.

In full limbo mode, I went to the OB's office for the big 10-week work up. This is the long Q&A with a nurse detailing both my husband's and my health histories. This is the third time we've done the work-up. I'm not at all sure why the nurse needs to know about my husband's grandfather's health history or how it pertains to the baby, but here we are.

She drops husband in the room and takes me to the scale. Down 4 lbs, BP was 114/62. Yippee! She then asks in a whisper: “I'm going to ask you some very personal questions. Is there anything you don't want me talking about in front of your husband? We can talk about it now. History of STDs? Abortions? “ I assured her that I had no secrets and we went to the room to get started.

15 – 20 minutes of boring questions asked by a disinterested nurse. When we got to my pregnancy history she went from disinterested to insulting. She couldn't fathom why I differentiated between my miscarriages and a woman having an abortion. The conversation went something like this:

Nurse: How many pregnancies have you had?

Me: 5

Nurse: How many living children do you have?

Me: 2

Nurse: How many abortions have you had?

Me: Zero.

Nurse: Okay, then, um, how many kids do you have?

Me: I have two sons.

Nurse: And you've had 5 pregnancies?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: And no abortions?

Me: No, I've had two miscarriages. One at six weeks. One at 9.5 weeks. I have never intentionally ended a pregnancy.

Nurse: Oh, okay, two abortions.

Me: (sitting on my hands to not throat punch her)

Now, I understand that in medical coding a miscarriage is an abortion. I know that they code my ultrasounds in the 1st trimester as “threatened abortion” because I have a long history of miscarriage. But, word to the wise, abortion in the general world means something else.

That cleared up, the nurse continued her dry, droll questioning. Husband & I are honestly just happy to make it to this point in pregnancy and we're trying to be cheerful and engage her in conversation.

Then she says:

Okay, I'm going to go get the doppler and we'll listen for a heartbeat then you'll see the doctor.

Right. Now, I know that at 10.5 weeks it's unlikely we'll hear one. I have a big tummy and scar tissue from two c-sections. I also know that not hearing one will send me into an anxiety place that I'm not interested in being in. Remember, I'm in limbo and I'm the mom who has been on the wrong side of statistics several times in my pregnancy life. After forever, the nurse comes back in with the doppler and for 15 agonizing minutes tries to find the heartbeat. Nothing. I knew this. I expected this. I hate this nurse. She says:

Oh, there's nothing to worry about. Everything is just fine.

Husband responds:

“How can you say that? You have no idea if everything is okay.”

“Well sir, she is really early to hear anything on doppler”

'Yes, but she has a long history of miscarriage. We just talked about it. Don't say everything is fine. We have been on the other side of fine before.”

I fall in love with my husband again for confronting the nurse and acknowledging our miscarriages.

The grumpy nurse takes us to yet another room and says the doctor will try but again, everything is fine.

I sit in silence for 10 minutes. Fuming. Angry. Hating my scar tissue for blocking the doppler. Hating my fat tummy for blocking it. Hating my husband for calmly playing on his tablet like nothing was wrong. Hating limbo.

The doctor comes in. She'd helped deliver G and was happy to see us again. She says she's gonna give it a shot on the doppler. She means business. She presses gently at the top of my growing tummy and squishes everything up a bit. She searched for less than 3 minutes.

There it was.

The reassuring whir of a baby's heartbeat on doppler We were able to get it for about 10 seconds...  baby's heart  was beating at 151 beats per minute.

I wanted to kiss the doctor.

I feel out of limbo, but I'm still not ready to switch to maternity clothes just yet.

Allow myself to introduce.... myself

My turn to introduce myself. My name is Julianna. I'm a stay-at-home-mom to my sons G-dog (6) and the Bear (almost 4). I'm currently 12.5 weeks to my 5th pregnancy and this baby was a total surprise.

The only thing I have ever wanted to be in life was a mom. I had a successful pre-child career and a job I loved but there was never, ever a question in my mind that when kids came into the picture I would step away from the corporate world and stay home with my kids.

The best-laid plans of course, mean nothing. After we got married, my husband and I decided it was time to go off the pill and make our dreams come true. Months came and went and then a worried visit to the gynecologist and we were suddenly in the world of infertility. We were lucky though. My infertility had a definite cause (Prolactinoma) fixable by medication and just five months later we were overjoyed to find out that I was pregnant!

I loved the days of that pregnancy because I was still in the “bubble” where all pregnancies ended in happy babies and miscarriage was just a vague idea. Of course, I say “days” of that pregnancy because I miscarried at 5 weeks 4 days. A chemical pregnancy. We were absolutely devastated. My OB told us to give it a month and try again and that's exactly what we did.

They say you're never more fertile than after a miscarriage and in my case “they” were right. I got pregnant for a second time on our very first try. The pregnancy wasn't easy by any means. I dealt with hyperemesis as well as gestational diabetes and then had an emergency c-section at 37 weeks 0 days when I, quite suddenly, developed HELLP syndrome. While I was not very birth-educated at that point – in my mind a c-section was the worst-possible outcome. I fought the doctors and they allowed me to try an induction but it very nearly cost me my life. After three hours of pushing, a platelet transfusion and a worried conversation between my ob and husband where she told him she wasn't sure I'd survive, I finally consented to a c-section.

Pregnancy number 3 came about a year later. I knew from the very beginning that something was off about this one. After weeks of ultrasounds watching an empty sac grow right on target with the hope that the baby might magically appear, my HcG levels started dropping. When I didn't miscarry on my own I opted for a D&E at 9.5 weeks. It was a very very dark time for us.

Another year later, another positive pregnancy test. More Hyperemesis, more gestational diabetes. My doctors agreed that I was a great VBAC candidate but stipulated that I had till 40 weeks to go into labor because of the gestational diabetes. I tried every trick in the book to kick-start labor. My little bear was not at all interested in coming out. At 39 weeks 6 days I had a repeat c-section.

The bear has been a challenge. He was sick for much of his first year. He still doesn't sleep through the night. I found he was most settled when we adopted more attachment parenting ideas - I think I wore him until he was two! He's been an adventure.

We have tried since the Bear was about a year old to have our third child with absolutely no results. The diagnosis: PCOS. Not surprising but still not fun. We discussed fertility options but I wasn't comfortable going on Clomid (I shy away from anything that screws with my hormones) and neither my husband nor I were prepared for IVF. I came to peace with being a mom of two and was quite happy about it. The bear potty trained when he was two – so we've been out of diapers for more than a year now. I started giving baby clothes and toys away. I moved into what I thought was the next phase of life: the time when you can take your kids to restaurants and just enjoy a dinner. Imagine then, my shock and surprise when I randomly took a pregnancy test the day after my period was due in July and the test came back positive.

I first didn't believe my eyes. It was one of those + or - tests and I thought I was misreading it. I showed my husband, drove to CVS at 7:01 am and bought a digital test. When that little word “pregnant” appeared my whole world changed.

This time is so different. While I'm nauseous all day and not able to eat more than a few bites at a time, I'm not sick all the time. I am, however, exhausted, collapsing into bed by 8:30 most nights. I'm using Crinione progesterone suppositories to support the pregnancy. I've used this before – with both boys. I have prescriptions for Zoforan and Pfinnergin to help with my nausea. I'm able to continue exercising regularly (for the most part).

And while Tracy is looking forward to another home birth, I've already consented to a third c-section. I was so determined to VBAC last time – this time it was a strange relief to just say “I'm fine with a repeat c-section.” It isn't ideal, it isn't natural but it's the path that works best for me and my family here and now. That is what we hope that the blog can illustrate over the next 7ish months. You'll see two moms address pregnancies through very different approaches, both making informed choices, both being responsible mothers. There is no one “right” way to bring a baby into the world and if you're making informed, responsible choices, there isn't a wrong way either. Hopefully our honest dialogue about our joys and struggles will amuse, inform or just ring true with anyone who stumbles across our little corner of the internet.