Allow myself to introduce.... myself

My turn to introduce myself. My name is Julianna. I'm a stay-at-home-mom to my sons G-dog (6) and the Bear (almost 4). I'm currently 12.5 weeks to my 5th pregnancy and this baby was a total surprise.

The only thing I have ever wanted to be in life was a mom. I had a successful pre-child career and a job I loved but there was never, ever a question in my mind that when kids came into the picture I would step away from the corporate world and stay home with my kids.

The best-laid plans of course, mean nothing. After we got married, my husband and I decided it was time to go off the pill and make our dreams come true. Months came and went and then a worried visit to the gynecologist and we were suddenly in the world of infertility. We were lucky though. My infertility had a definite cause (Prolactinoma) fixable by medication and just five months later we were overjoyed to find out that I was pregnant!

I loved the days of that pregnancy because I was still in the “bubble” where all pregnancies ended in happy babies and miscarriage was just a vague idea. Of course, I say “days” of that pregnancy because I miscarried at 5 weeks 4 days. A chemical pregnancy. We were absolutely devastated. My OB told us to give it a month and try again and that's exactly what we did.

They say you're never more fertile than after a miscarriage and in my case “they” were right. I got pregnant for a second time on our very first try. The pregnancy wasn't easy by any means. I dealt with hyperemesis as well as gestational diabetes and then had an emergency c-section at 37 weeks 0 days when I, quite suddenly, developed HELLP syndrome. While I was not very birth-educated at that point – in my mind a c-section was the worst-possible outcome. I fought the doctors and they allowed me to try an induction but it very nearly cost me my life. After three hours of pushing, a platelet transfusion and a worried conversation between my ob and husband where she told him she wasn't sure I'd survive, I finally consented to a c-section.

Pregnancy number 3 came about a year later. I knew from the very beginning that something was off about this one. After weeks of ultrasounds watching an empty sac grow right on target with the hope that the baby might magically appear, my HcG levels started dropping. When I didn't miscarry on my own I opted for a D&E at 9.5 weeks. It was a very very dark time for us.

Another year later, another positive pregnancy test. More Hyperemesis, more gestational diabetes. My doctors agreed that I was a great VBAC candidate but stipulated that I had till 40 weeks to go into labor because of the gestational diabetes. I tried every trick in the book to kick-start labor. My little bear was not at all interested in coming out. At 39 weeks 6 days I had a repeat c-section.

The bear has been a challenge. He was sick for much of his first year. He still doesn't sleep through the night. I found he was most settled when we adopted more attachment parenting ideas - I think I wore him until he was two! He's been an adventure.

We have tried since the Bear was about a year old to have our third child with absolutely no results. The diagnosis: PCOS. Not surprising but still not fun. We discussed fertility options but I wasn't comfortable going on Clomid (I shy away from anything that screws with my hormones) and neither my husband nor I were prepared for IVF. I came to peace with being a mom of two and was quite happy about it. The bear potty trained when he was two – so we've been out of diapers for more than a year now. I started giving baby clothes and toys away. I moved into what I thought was the next phase of life: the time when you can take your kids to restaurants and just enjoy a dinner. Imagine then, my shock and surprise when I randomly took a pregnancy test the day after my period was due in July and the test came back positive.

I first didn't believe my eyes. It was one of those + or - tests and I thought I was misreading it. I showed my husband, drove to CVS at 7:01 am and bought a digital test. When that little word “pregnant” appeared my whole world changed.

This time is so different. While I'm nauseous all day and not able to eat more than a few bites at a time, I'm not sick all the time. I am, however, exhausted, collapsing into bed by 8:30 most nights. I'm using Crinione progesterone suppositories to support the pregnancy. I've used this before – with both boys. I have prescriptions for Zoforan and Pfinnergin to help with my nausea. I'm able to continue exercising regularly (for the most part).

And while Tracy is looking forward to another home birth, I've already consented to a third c-section. I was so determined to VBAC last time – this time it was a strange relief to just say “I'm fine with a repeat c-section.” It isn't ideal, it isn't natural but it's the path that works best for me and my family here and now. That is what we hope that the blog can illustrate over the next 7ish months. You'll see two moms address pregnancies through very different approaches, both making informed choices, both being responsible mothers. There is no one “right” way to bring a baby into the world and if you're making informed, responsible choices, there isn't a wrong way either. Hopefully our honest dialogue about our joys and struggles will amuse, inform or just ring true with anyone who stumbles across our little corner of the internet.