Allow myself to introduce.... myself

My turn to introduce myself. My name is Julianna. I'm a stay-at-home-mom to my sons G-dog (6) and the Bear (almost 4). I'm currently 12.5 weeks to my 5th pregnancy and this baby was a total surprise.

The only thing I have ever wanted to be in life was a mom. I had a successful pre-child career and a job I loved but there was never, ever a question in my mind that when kids came into the picture I would step away from the corporate world and stay home with my kids.

The best-laid plans of course, mean nothing. After we got married, my husband and I decided it was time to go off the pill and make our dreams come true. Months came and went and then a worried visit to the gynecologist and we were suddenly in the world of infertility. We were lucky though. My infertility had a definite cause (Prolactinoma) fixable by medication and just five months later we were overjoyed to find out that I was pregnant!

I loved the days of that pregnancy because I was still in the “bubble” where all pregnancies ended in happy babies and miscarriage was just a vague idea. Of course, I say “days” of that pregnancy because I miscarried at 5 weeks 4 days. A chemical pregnancy. We were absolutely devastated. My OB told us to give it a month and try again and that's exactly what we did.

They say you're never more fertile than after a miscarriage and in my case “they” were right. I got pregnant for a second time on our very first try. The pregnancy wasn't easy by any means. I dealt with hyperemesis as well as gestational diabetes and then had an emergency c-section at 37 weeks 0 days when I, quite suddenly, developed HELLP syndrome. While I was not very birth-educated at that point – in my mind a c-section was the worst-possible outcome. I fought the doctors and they allowed me to try an induction but it very nearly cost me my life. After three hours of pushing, a platelet transfusion and a worried conversation between my ob and husband where she told him she wasn't sure I'd survive, I finally consented to a c-section.

Pregnancy number 3 came about a year later. I knew from the very beginning that something was off about this one. After weeks of ultrasounds watching an empty sac grow right on target with the hope that the baby might magically appear, my HcG levels started dropping. When I didn't miscarry on my own I opted for a D&E at 9.5 weeks. It was a very very dark time for us.

Another year later, another positive pregnancy test. More Hyperemesis, more gestational diabetes. My doctors agreed that I was a great VBAC candidate but stipulated that I had till 40 weeks to go into labor because of the gestational diabetes. I tried every trick in the book to kick-start labor. My little bear was not at all interested in coming out. At 39 weeks 6 days I had a repeat c-section.

The bear has been a challenge. He was sick for much of his first year. He still doesn't sleep through the night. I found he was most settled when we adopted more attachment parenting ideas - I think I wore him until he was two! He's been an adventure.

We have tried since the Bear was about a year old to have our third child with absolutely no results. The diagnosis: PCOS. Not surprising but still not fun. We discussed fertility options but I wasn't comfortable going on Clomid (I shy away from anything that screws with my hormones) and neither my husband nor I were prepared for IVF. I came to peace with being a mom of two and was quite happy about it. The bear potty trained when he was two – so we've been out of diapers for more than a year now. I started giving baby clothes and toys away. I moved into what I thought was the next phase of life: the time when you can take your kids to restaurants and just enjoy a dinner. Imagine then, my shock and surprise when I randomly took a pregnancy test the day after my period was due in July and the test came back positive.

I first didn't believe my eyes. It was one of those + or - tests and I thought I was misreading it. I showed my husband, drove to CVS at 7:01 am and bought a digital test. When that little word “pregnant” appeared my whole world changed.

This time is so different. While I'm nauseous all day and not able to eat more than a few bites at a time, I'm not sick all the time. I am, however, exhausted, collapsing into bed by 8:30 most nights. I'm using Crinione progesterone suppositories to support the pregnancy. I've used this before – with both boys. I have prescriptions for Zoforan and Pfinnergin to help with my nausea. I'm able to continue exercising regularly (for the most part).

And while Tracy is looking forward to another home birth, I've already consented to a third c-section. I was so determined to VBAC last time – this time it was a strange relief to just say “I'm fine with a repeat c-section.” It isn't ideal, it isn't natural but it's the path that works best for me and my family here and now. That is what we hope that the blog can illustrate over the next 7ish months. You'll see two moms address pregnancies through very different approaches, both making informed choices, both being responsible mothers. There is no one “right” way to bring a baby into the world and if you're making informed, responsible choices, there isn't a wrong way either. Hopefully our honest dialogue about our joys and struggles will amuse, inform or just ring true with anyone who stumbles across our little corner of the internet.

The Birth of the Idea of Homebirth

Homebirth...I remember the first time I heard that word.  Or, rather, read it, since it was on a local mommies message board.  I thought it was insane.  I had no idea people actually DID that.  I was pregnant with my first, and I was thrilled to have ultrasounds as early and often as possible.  Except...something about a drug-free birth really resonated with me, and I started researching and reading.  I found my way to the Bradley method, and forwarded some links to my husband.  Who thought I was crazy.  But he agreed to go to classes with me, and we made our first foray into natural living, aka, the crunchy lifestyle. 

In Bradley class we heard about all kinds of crazy ideas: cloth diapering, no vaccinations, co-sleeping, babywearing and yes, even homebirth.  I was fascinated.  I remember going home and googling like crazy.  On my local mommies board, I came across the term “Natural Living/ Attachment Parenting”, and I thought, “thats me, thats what I want.”  All this research led to a drug-free hospital birth with a midwife with my first child, and although it was wonderful, when we found out we were pregnant with child #2, we decided to go for it.  Yes, the homebirth.  And we embraced that decision.  We had no ultrasounds for the pregnancy intentionally (although, to be sure, if I felt I needed one, or my midwife advised me to get one, I would not have hesitated), and we kept things very natural.  And we had a homebirth.  An amazing, beautiful, indescribable (although I still try) homebirth.  And I can honestly say, I cannot wait to have another.  I am excited about my labor and delivery!  How many pregnant moms ever say that?  So baby number three (homebirth number two) will be happening around the beginning of February!  

My labors were actually very similar.  With number one, I woke up around 11:00 PM with strong, painful contractions.  I had been having Braxton Hicks contracts for weeks, if not months, and I was really worried about being able to tell if I was in active labor.  I remember waking up, and feeling that first contraction, and thinking, "Oh.  Right.  This is definitely it."  I labored alone while browsing the internet (this was pre-Facebook, too) for a couple of hours, and decided I needed more help managing at around 1:00.  I had my husband run a bath, call the midwife, and pack our suitcase, all while running back to me during contractions and pushing on my lower back in the bathtub.  What a trooper.  We left for the hospital around 3:00 AM, and what a drive that was.  It was only about 25 minutes, but it was the longest 25 minutes of my life.  When we got to the hospital and up to the labor and delivery floor, we were standing at the front desk, and I dropped to a deep squat to have a contraction.  The nurse said, "well, lets get you to a room quickly, then."  After being checked and finding out I was around 4 cm dilated, I was angry.  Labor stalled for a bit (subconsciously I think I was waiting for my midwife to get there), we rested and I contracted until around 7:00, when things picked up, my midwife arrived, and I felt like pushing.  I pushed for about 2 hours, and my daughter was born at 8:52 AM with lots of meconium in her fluid, which prompted them to take her from me almost immediately for deep suctioning.  Of course, at the time, I felt whatever was needed to make sure she was ok, but now I know that probably wasn't necessary.  My midwife told me later that the nurses had been starting to get antsy--if she hadn't been there, I would probably have been headed for a c-section.  Two hours of pushing is not something a typical nurse is comfortable with.  We went home the next afternoon, after a long, noisy night at the hospital, and a fight with the staff who insisted they MUST take my baby to the nursery for her hearing test, and my husband could not come.  That did not fly with this super-hormonal momma.  He went with her.  Obviously.  Everything was generally normal after the birth.  We established breastfeeding well, with no real issues (but also, no real support--I'm really lucky I didn't have more issues, because I didn't really have a place to find help.  This was pre-La Leche League for me, which is a big part of my life now).

Birth number two started around 5:00 AM a week before my due date (number one was the day before my due date, so this was a surprise for me).  Again, I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions since the first trimester, and again, that first "real" contraction reminded me of the differences.  I had insisted that I would not go into labor in the middle of the night (since my daughter didn't sleep well independently), and I swear I mentally stopped my labor at least one time before I truly went into labor.  When my husband woke up to go to work, I told him not to.  We alerted everyone, and got things settled, and I settled in to labor for a bit.  People started arriving at my house, and my labor slowed down.  I had a friend and my amazing birth photographer there, so my midwife and her team decided to head out for a bit to give me some space.  I knitted and chatted for a little while, until I started pacing and squatting, and my birth photographer pointed out that we should probably call my midwife back.  I got into the birth pool and labored for a while, and started pushing around 1:00.  My son was born at 1:55 PM into the water surrounded by peace and awe and my friends and family.  My daughter was able to come in minutes after he was born (she had been playing outside) and see her new baby brother.  Afterwards, I climbed into my own bathtub to rinse off, and then I climbed into my own bed with my new baby to cuddle and rest and nurse.  It was amazing. My midwife came for a couple of post-partum visits to weigh the baby and check on me and breastfeeding.  We kept in touch by email and phone calls as well.  I knew, if I needed anything or was worried about anything, I could text or call her and hear something back within minutes, and I certainly took advantage of that!  

Both of my births were good.  But the differences were still amazing.  I'm actually excited to give birth again.  Its one of the most empowering, rewarding things I have ever done.  And the end result...well...who can deny that magic?

In the Beginning...

In the beginning, there were the normal hopes and dreams that come with any pregnancy.  A healthy baby, a healthy mommy, a good birth experience.  As a first time mommy, my expectations changed a lot through my first pregnancy, as I'm sure every mom to mommy-to-be has experienced.  But I've learned a lot over the past few years.  Whatever my hopes and desires were (or are) for pregnancy and birth, they are important to me, and it is up to me to be sure it is what I want and it is what happens.  And, most importantly, I've learned everyone is different.  What I may want or not want is not any more or less important than what others want, or better, or superior.  Its just different, and its right for me.  And not necessarily (in fact, most likely) not right for lots of other mommies.

This blog is a joint venture between two friends--my co-author isn't quite ready to reveal herself yet, but we are due within a couple of weeks of each other, and we know our pregnancies and birth experiences are going to be completely opposite from each other.  We thought it would be fun and interesting to blog about our journey to, and through our contrasting births.  Its going to be so different, yet we are going to get the same end results: a new, beautiful baby, a bigger family, little ones becoming big brothers and big sisters and happiness (and tears and emotions and hormones, and all that normal pregnancy and birth drama).  We hope you'll enjoy following our journey as much as we are sure to enjoy writing about it!