Anxiety

As I enjoy the final days of my final pregnancy I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety. The what-ifs are things I don't cope well with. What if the unthinkable happens and the baby dies in the next few days. How will I help the boys cope with that grief and loss? What if I develop HELLP again but dismiss the symptoms until it's too late. What if the contractions I've been having off and on heat up and I don't get to the hospital on time and I have an unplanned homebirth? I do not want to spend this time with fear in my heart so I try and talk myself through it all. I am anxiety prone on my best day.

I'm also feeling a lot of fear and dread. I both fear and dread the pain that's coming. I fear and dread the spinal as my last experience was not a good one. I fear and dread the pain of recovering from a c-section. I fear and dread the hormonal roller coaster. I dread that first bathroom trip after baby. I dread the first painful days of breastfeeding and the afterpains that come with. I dread the sleepless nights – especially the ones when the baby sleeps peacefully but I'm afraid he's too peaceful so I cannot rest because I'm too busy checking in on him to watch his soft breathing.

My hormones are already insane. After dropping my youngest off at preschool today I sobbed the whole way home knowing it was the last time he would go to preschool and be the baby of the family. The next time he goes to school he will be a big brother. I cried when I ordered him a big brother t-shirt for him to wear when he goes to school Monday. I cried when I pet my elderly dog – remembering the days it was just me and Buddy against the world. His elder years have been spent dodging crazy boys... and now we're going to add another one to the mix.

My husband has been beyond attentive and wonderful. He has been home all week and our house has never been in better repair. He's anxious and trying not to let on. If I cough at night he's right there to check on me. Anything I've craved, asked for, hinted at, mentioned, he's made it happen.

The waiting game is nuts. Now we're faced with possible ice tomorrow – the day of my very last OB appointment before baby comes. I will freak out if they close that office. I mean I will totally freak out. I have contractions off and on all the time. Some are really strong. Others are merely annoying. I time them if they seem consistent. They always fizzle.

All of this... all of this anxiety and fear and uncertainty and trepidation...

it all quiets in my mind the second I picture holding this little miracle child... looking into his eyes... his tiny hand grasping my finger. I hope that he understands how wanted he is. How loved he is. How worth it all of this has been to have even a few minutes to be with him.