Benny is here

My Benny (short for Benjamin) is here and his entrance to this world was absolutely magical.
I spent the weekend before his birth anxious, much like my previous blog entries may have hinted at.  I couldn't sleep because of the fear and anticipation.  I never did fall asleep Sunday night knowing it was Benny's birthday.  I couldn't relax my mind at all.  I did spend as much time as I could enjoying feeling him move around knowing I wouldn't feel internal baby kick and squirms ever again.  I also liked that constant reminder that he was okay in there.  I simply couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that this was really, actually happening.
Around 4:30 I finally just got up and showered.  I even dried my hair and put on makeup because, well, why not?
My husband slept a bit overnight but truth be told he was as anxious as I was about what lay ahead, he's just better able to turn off his mind and sleep.
I took a few final belly pictures before we left the house around 5:30 that morning.  The drive in was fairly quiet.  We made some small talk but when I get super stressed out I don't usually like to bother with talking... it takes all of my mental strength to focus on the task at hand.  Did I mention I was scared?  If I could have "noped" out of having a baby that morning I would have and not for any one particular reason.  I was just nervous.
We got checked into the hospital right at 6.  They originally assigned us to a room right across from the OR.  Drew identified that as a problem and asked for a different, quieter room.  We got one down a back hall and it was perfect.  Once checked in they needed me to get naked, put on a hospital gown and give a urine sample.  Easy enough on all counts.  Next came IV time.  The nurse put the IV in my right forearm.  I am not upset by needles, IVs, shots etc but this IV hurt so bad.  It bruised instantly.  Also, what a crappy location!  I mean, I'm going to cradle a baby in that arm - why does he have to be kabokned with IV stuff??  There must have been a better location but then, what do I know? 
With the IV in place they hooked me up to the monitors for an NST - though I didn't have to mark movements - they just tracked his heartbeat and any contractions I was having.  They also monitored my blood pressure and gave me 2 bags of fluid quickly, a dose of antibiotics and another, slower bag of fluid via IV.  The nurses left our room around 7:15 and said we'd head to the OR around 7:45.  We turned off the lights and tried to snooze until  then.. but of course, it's a hospital.  We had several people come in and say hi so - yea - no rest.  At 7:45 they said it was time.  As we started walking back to the OR I started crying.  It was a combination of fear, anxiety, joy, relief, anticipation and disbelief that it was happening.  I also knew that the pain was about to start.  All of these months of build up... of not knowing if he was going to be okay... of not knowing if I would miscarry... I spent so much energy protecting my heart against the worst that I found myself unprepared for the best to happen.  The girl who thought she would never have another child was about to walk into a room with a giant stomach and roll out of the room with a baby.  The emotions were overwhelming.
Drew can't go into the OR until everything is all set so he walked with us to the little waiting area where he could get scrubbed up. I started shaking like a leaf taking those last few steps into the OR on my own.  The OR is cold like a refrigerator - which adds to the shaking.  I hop up onto the table and various people introduce themselves to me.  The most important character at this point is a guy named Ron.  He's the nurse anaesthetist and will play an important part in the rest of this story.  The anaesthesiologist comes in and we have a conversation about how freaked out I am and what a bad experience my previous spinal was.  He had me round out my back and grip the nurse in front of me.  The OB came in somewhere right about this time and saw that it was spinal time.  He knew I was petrified and we joked about it.  The nurse was called away so the OB stepped in and took her spot - he talked me through everything that was happening.  After all that we've been through with this doctor, having him be there for my most terrifying moment was sort of a relief.  It took 3 sticks to get the spinal in place.  None of the sticks hurt, thankfully.  The anaesthesiologist asked if he was centered and I could tell he was off to the left.  When I told him that - he adjusted and I felt my legs go tingly.  I said "oh, I think he's got it I'm tingly" and that was it.  It was very different because it took much longer for the spinal meds to take effect than then last time I went through this.  I was able to move my own legs up onto the table and feel them slowly go numb.  At first I was freaked out that it wasn't going to be enough and I was going to feel everything.  Nope, this was just a good doctor putting the spinal meds in right.  Right by my head this whole time is Ron... explaining everything that is happening, what I might be feeling, asking me questions, making sure I can or can't feel certain things. They put a heater over my arms and chest which was wonderful in that cold room.  They tested different spots for sensation and I passed those tests by not feeling a thing. It seemed like it was taking a while to get set up and I was nervous they were going to start without Drew being in the room.  I kept asking about him and Ron assured me they would not start without him.  The doctors asked me again if I was certain I wanted a tubal and I was absolutely certain that I wanted one.
In came Drew, up went the dividing curtain and it was time to start. 
It's really happening.
I'm about to become a mom of three.
This little boy who I've fretted over and worried over for so long is about to come out and I am utterly unprepared.  It's real.  He's really coming... and he's coming now.
Drew couldn't help but watch over the sheet. I, of course, wanted the whole play by play.
It's crazy to be totally awake and aware during surgery like this... but I didn't feel a single thing.
Nothing.
No pain.  No sensation.  Nothing.
I had a lot of scar tissue from the previous c-sections so it took a bit longer to get through it and into the uterus.  It felt like it took forever to "birth time."  But then Ron and the OB both said at almost the same time, "okay, it's time - you're going to feel a lot of pressure." 
Honestly I didn't feel much pressure at all.... certainly not like the pressure of the last 2 c-sections....
And out he came.
At 8:20 am Benjamin came into the world feet first, peeing and screaming his head off.  It was the sweetest sound as neither of my other boys were born screaming - they had to be rubbed down to get any noises to come out.  Ben was born absolutely screaming.  He screamed while I sobbed.  He's real.  He's really here and he's mine. 
From that moment on my eyes were to the left where I could see the baby team evaluating my little miracle boy.  His Apgars were 9 and 9.  They did all of the evaluations quickly - I mean within probably 5 minutes and then wrapped him up and handed him to dad.  Right there in the OR!  I couldn't believe it!  For the record he weighed 8lbs 1.7 oz and was 21.5 inches long.  For a gestational diabetic to have a 39.5 weeker come in just over 8lbs during a c-section - that is AWESOME.  Seriously -I busted my behind to control those blood sugars and it showed.  Ben was a perfect, healthy-sized full-term baby with no blood sugar issues whatsoever after birth.  I'm proud of how hard I worked to give him that start in life because, frankly, it was hard and I stuck with it.
Anyway, back to the OR... where they were tying my tubes and finishing me up.  My body did not react well to this part as I was alternating between trying to throw up (which is really hard to do when you have a spinal because you can't get the muscle movement you need to actually really puke) and trying to pass out - which is hard to do when Ron keeps putting alcohol swabs under your nose to keep you conscious, keeps talking to you to keep you conscious, keeps asking you to squeeze his hand to keep you conscious.  He had a bowl for when I was puking - but I barely managed to bring anything up (they gave me zofran through my IV and my stomach was beyond empty anyway).  Ron explained that this was all totally normal and is a reaction of my parasympathetic nervous system to the trauma of my uterus and ovaries being manipulated but my brain not having the sensory input it is expecting.  Ron kept asking me to squeeze his hand and I was all too happy - I squeezed the heck out of this guy's hand and it made me feel so much better. 
So why was I squeezing Ron's hand but not Drew's?  Drew was with Benny!  The OR staff was happily taking pictures of dad and son (seriously this may be the most family friendly hospital ever).  Dad was staring at this little guy in his arms, falling in love.  Dad was occupied.  He brought Benny over to me and I knew in my head that the most important thing right now is to get him to breastfeed.  That wasn't going to be possible given the setup I had in the OR so I gave him my finger to suck on to get that reflex going and he sucked away while I cried with joy.  It took just a few minutes to finish me up - they sent Drew and Ben to recovery to wait for me.  They moved me to a bed and off we went to recovery.
Recovery is basically monitoring until the spinal wears off enough for you to sort of move your legs a tiny bit.. and also to make sure your vitals are stable.  I could feel the spinal starting to wear off from the top down.  As I could feel it wearing off from the tiny bit that affected my hands -  I was just about to ask about breastfeeding - but I never ever had to say the words.  Ben's nurse was standing right next to my nurse waiting for me to have the all clear because she needed to start skin to skin and latch him on asap.  The hospital is all about this stuff as it turns out.  All it took was for me to say that I had total feeling in my hands... in a matter of minutes Ben was on top of me skin to skin and I was in heaven.  I was also still reacting to the spinal meds and feeling a bit woozy - so they kept having to put alcohol swabs under my nose to keep me from fainting and who honestly knows what else they had to do.  It worked - I never fainted.  I just had to go very very slowly when it came time to sit up.  We did get Ben latched on right there in recovery - about 45 minutes after he was born.
I was back in my room shortly after 9am.  Not so bad really - one hour of OR time and recovery.  My parents came to meet Benny that morning.  I was monitored closely by the nurses and doctors - blood pressure, self-inflating leg cuffs to prevent clots that actually felt pretty good on my now swollen from fluids legs.  As it turns out - I didn't tolerate the morphine they put in my spinal very well.  It was the Morphine that made me feel so crappy during the surgery and it made me itch like a crazy person after.  The itching lasted about 24 hours and it was really a mind-numbing, soul-stealing sort of itch.  They had medication for it but I only took one dose - it made me so sleepy that I couldn't function and I really wanted to enjoy those hours with my Benny.  How in the world do people get addicted to that stuff?  Seriously, morphine, not even once!
The boys came up in the afternoon to meet their new brother and they are both totally smitten.  G spends most of his waking hours trying to convince me it's his turn to hold Ben.  The bear is more cautious about how fragile babies are and is afraid of hurting him... but wants to get close and look and love and kiss.
I was in the hospital from Monday to Thursday and I won't bore anyone with the mundane realities of spending so much time there.  In all, I was glad to have 72 full hours of constant pain medication.  I was also glad to have that time to spend concentrating on adjusting to Ben being on the outside.  He's a lovey, cuddle boy who loves his skin-to-skin time.   I wouldn't say he's a "natural" nurser but he is getting the hang of latching on.  The lactation consultants at the hospital were amazing.  The nurses were also super supportive and took wonderful care of both Benny and me.  My gestational diabetes was gone the second the placenta was gone.  My numbers were so good they stopped monitoring me after 48 hours or so.  No reason to stick me when my blood sugars were so consistently awesome.

I will admit that there is a sadness in knowing that this is my last baby.  I won't do any of this again... the morning sickness, the happy ultrasounds to see heartbeats and find out gender, the gestational diabetes, the c-section, the constant OB visits... it's over.  It's silly to say that I'll miss it - but I will miss it in a very strange way.  I will never be pregnant again... that part of my life is over. I'm relieved and happy to move on to the next stage of my life but at the same time it's a milestone. 
I couldn't have asked for better care from the medical professionals who helped me manage this pregnancy, and I couldn't have asked for more supportive family and friends who patiently dealt with me being sick for most of the past 10 months.
Benny's entrance into our world was so amazing, so special, so emotional.  This sweet boy - the very idea of him scared me - is so gentle and loving.  This little guy who I thought would never make it through a whole pregnancy looks up at me with wide eyes.  This tiny little man who I never thought I'd meet calms down the instant he hears my voice.  Ben is a special little boy and I'm so so so thankful and so so so lucky that he is part of our family.
For anyone facing an unexpected pregnancy, embrace it.
For anyone told their chances of getting pregnant are slim to none, don't give up but don't let the desire to get pregnant take over your whole life.
For anyone wondering if miracles happen... they do.
My miracle is Ben... and I have to stop writing now because he needs me.