The Homestretch...

Or, I didn't think I'd get this far.  And I'm seriously moody and hormonal.  But, seriously…I've been having contractions (sometimes painful, sometimes not) for basically 5 weeks now.  More if you count the beginning of the Braxton Hicks contractions that always plague me throughout my pregnancy (starting at 10 weeks this time).  I've had several instances in the last 2 weeks or so, that I've thought, oh yeah I'm in labor.  Well apparently not--cause the baby's still in there.

Even again last night, I had painful contractions that woke me up every 15 minutes or so for about 2 hours last night.  I kept telling myself I would call my midwife (or tell my husband to do it, anyway) if they got any closer together, but they never did.  And eventually they stopped, and I got to sleep for 30 minutes at a time, instead of 15.  Which is how I have been sleeping since month 7.  I'M SO TIRED!!!!

This time, my biggest labor fear is having a baby super fast, by myself with my two kids "helping."  I've heard a lot of stories recently (from people I know--so not just rumors) of babies being born with 1.5 or 2 hours of labor, and I'm just so scared that is going to happen to me!

I'm antsy, I'm hormonal, I'm impatient, I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of insanity all the time, and I'm ready for this to be done.  Hopefully my next post is going to be about my baby.  Or, I might not post again until it IS about the baby.  See you on the flip side!

Insulin... old school style

Since last night was my first night injecting myself with insulin in nearly 5 years I was, admittedly, a touch rusty.  Also, since my OBs aren't in the diabetes management business on a regular basis they gave me the old school stuff to use.  As in a vial of insulin and straight-up needles to use.  Like this:

 Woah.
Now - in the past I used an easy device that had the insulin loaded up and I just turned a knob to my dose, did my shot and it was over.  This involves real, doctor-like measuring.  I was totally nervous.  Husband wanted to do the shot and I told him he needed to stand on the other side of the room.  These shots are basically painless if you do them right.  Doing them right involves pinching some fat (I have plenty) and sticking it in straight and quick  As you can see above - the needed is very small.  It really doesn't hurt.  It takes a few seconds of gathering courage to do the stick then it's over.  Now, the .8cc thing had me a bit freaked out.  I mean, .8?  It's a fraction but measuring it on my needle scared the heck out of me.  When I finally figured out I had a 1 cc needle and hash marks demarking each .1 then the .8 didn't seem so scary.  I drew out the insulin... and freaked.  Mostly because it LOOKED like a lot of insulin in the long thin needle.  Keep in mind, my previous dispensers sort of hid the actual medication - so I have no idea how .8cc compares to previous doses.  I just closed my eyes, trusted my doctor, gave myself the shot and hoped for the best.  I also explained over and over to my husband that if I woke up in the night and was shaking, sweating, talking-nonsense etc that he needed to get sugar in me (easiest would be some ginger ale we have downstairs) asap.  He was, to say the least, a little freaked out.

Have I mentioned I'm a total hypochondriac?  I don't mean that in the cute "she's nervous" way.  I mean that in the "she's usually convinced she has one fatal disease or another" way.  Laying in bed after that shot I was certain I'd used too much insulin.  Certain.  When I hadn't died after an hour I figured I was probably just over-reacting and promptly went to sleep.

This morning I really didn't feel any different.  I was pretty sure, in fact, that the insulin had done nothing and maybe I had too small a dose.

One tiny squirt of insulin... and my blood sugar was 90 this morning.  Bang.  They will technically take anything under 100 as a "good" number.  Anything under 95 is awesome.  90?  It's like a dream.  The other thing I noticed is after actually waking up I was a) not nauseous and b) STARVING as in I have to go eat breakfast right now or something bad will happen hungry.  I have not felt this way about eating in the morning since I got pregnant in late June.   I ate a low carb breakfast as per the "rules." (and my own life rules to be honest).  I had light bread, swiss cheese, a tiny bit of butter and an over-very-easy egg.  That's a total of about 10 carbs in case you're wondering.  I'm supposed to keep it under 22.  An hour later I needed my blood sugar to test under 120.  An hour later is was 92.  What the what?!  It means my slow insulin is working.  I have had constant trouble with my fasting and my post-breakfast numbers while my lunch and dinner numbers have been stellar.  Has the problem been solved with a tiny little shot? Oh how I hope so.

Now because I'm a classic gestational diabetic (as opposed to a type II diabetic) I know that as my pregnancy continues I will have to increase the insulin dose as my pregnancy hormones continue to ravage my pregnancy-weary body.  That's just how it goes and it's to be expected.  Basically I'll go up .1cc if my sugars are high for 2-3 days in a row.  For now though, total success.  I'll take it.

All was quiet until....

Let's face it, my pregnancy has been boring.  I have constant morning sickness but with medicine it's managed.  Other than that there's just been nothing to talk about. 

Wrong.

Of course, what I wanted least was my gestational diabetes to return.  I fought it.  I exercised.  I ate as low carb as possible.  It's just in my chemistry. I get pregnant and sometime around 28 weeks my blood sugars go insane.  I've been monitoring them the whole time... and like clockwork at 30 weeks they went crazy.  The endocrinologist I've seen in the past is located in downtown Charlotte.  I'm an hour away.  Her office runs a minimum of an hour behind (they warn you of this when you make appointments) and each appointment lasts about an hour.  Doing the math I'm looking at a minimum of 3 hours to get that done.  And that's once a week.  On top of OB appointments which are also once a week.  I begged my OB for an alternative.  Because my OB is awesome he found me an alternative diabetes center - at a hospital 10 minutes from my house.  SCORE!  My first appointment went fine.  It's the same suggested diet as the other place although for some reason this diabetes center made a point of having a whole page of literature about why I shouldn't have saccharine.  When I promised not to use my time machine to go back to 1974 and have a Tab to drink they seemed satisfied.  I can shrug that off as a quirk of the office. Well, my numbers suck.  My daytime numbers are fine - my fasting number his horrible.  They want it around 80.  Mine is like 115.  I email my numbers to the dietitian assigned every Wednesday.  Of course, I never hear back from her.  I'm concerned because my numbers are so high so I call.  Then she emails me back. Oh yea, you do have high numbers.  We might just make an adjustment to your medication.  Let's see how you look next week.  Because my pregnancy hormones are getting stronger rather than weaker, my numbers the following week were worse.  But nothing.  Finally I have my sit down appointment with them yesterday.  It goes like this:

Them: "Wow, your numbers are bad.  What does your doctor say about this?  

Me: "I haven't seen the doctor in 2 weeks."

Them: "You're going to need insulin."

Me: "okay."

Them: "has your doctor given you insulin yet?"

Me: "No."

Them "I wonder why not."
Me: "I haven't actually spoken to or seen a doctor since I was referred here."

Them: "Oh, we don't have a doctor.  Your doctor will have to control your insulin."

Me; "um, so why do I come here?"

Them: "we just help with diet."

I am incredulous.  What exactly is my insurance company paying exaggerated. insane fees for?  For someone to cheer me in my continued avoidance of out-dated artificial sweeteners?  We both realize that there's no need for me to be there anymore.  They promise to call my OB and have a long talk with them about whatever.  I'm seeing my OB tomorrow anyway so I'm just ready to get out of that office.

I make a quick stop at the grocery store and head home.

Then I hear the sound.

It's the distinctive sound of a flat tire.

Well, there it is. 

I do make it home and as I'm getting the jack out of the back of my car I realize that I'm almost 33 weeks pregnant.  I simply cannot change the car's tire.  I make a few frantic texts to arrange to have my youngest brought home from preschool then sit and wait for 12:30... when my husband would be available to take a phone call.  I needed to know whether to just call AAA and have them change the tire or if he wanted to take care of it.  Of course he wanted to take care of it - but had a meeting from 2-3.  The G needs to be picked up from his school at 3 and that's when things got a little dicey.  Husband drove home by 1:30.  Took the tire off the car.  We drove to the tire shop and dropped it off to have it fixed then drove back to husband's office.  Dropped him off.  Drove back to G's school.  Picked him up.  Drove back to husband's office.  Picked him up.  Drove back to the tire place.  Picked up the new tire.  Drove back home.  New tire goes on the car.  Not in time, though, for us to make it to G's piano lessons.  He's thrilled.  I'm exhausted.  

And so we reach today.  OB appointment day.  I also have my first non-stress-test (NST) of this pregnancy.  It goes with the gestational diabetes territory.  I couldn't get an appointment until 11am.  Which is dicey because NSTs are 20 minutes... THEN you see the doctor and we had the whole insulin crap to deal with.  I arrive 10 minutes before my scheduled appointment and I wait.  And I wait.  And I wait.  Finally at 11:20 I ask what's going on.  The nurse is, apparently, running behind.  You think?  Finally at 11:35 I'm called back.  And it's her.  The nurse.  The BAD nurse who can't ever find my baby's heartbeat.  I brace myself.  This is going to be bad.  

She's wearing a mask.  Either she hasn't had a flu shot or she has had the flu and is contagious.  

Thanks for that.

Also, thanks to the mask, I'm unable to understand anything she's saying to me.

Sweet merciful crap can I just do this myself???

We go through the weight, blood pressure, are you having headaches or swelling dance.

Now it's time for the NST.

For some reason she gets the doppler first. 

Why God?

Why?

She cannot find the heartbeat.
Now I can SEE the baby moving under her stupid doppler.  There is no concern in my mind about the baby.

I'm concerned about who is going to bail me out when I get finished throat punching this woman.

I finally point to the spot where his heartbeat always is and say "you might try right here.  This is usually where we find him."  

She rolls her eyes and moves right to where I pointed and - what do you know - INSTANT heartbeat.  In fact, it was so loud she jumped and moved her hand, then spent a few seconds finding the heartbeat again.

All of this is for naught though as we still have to start the damn NST.

She hooks me up to the monitors (the same ones you wear when you're in labor) and off we go.  Heartbeat is a solid 145 ish.  And the kid is moving.  I have to push a button every time he moves.  I may as well hold down on the button for the first 15 minutes.  He's moving so much that it's making the monitor make all sorts of crazy sounds.  Of course, for some reason, this nurse has the volume up so loud that I can't think, I can't play on my phone, I can do nothing but hold the stupid movement button down and watch the clock knowing I'm going to miss preschool pickup.  Again.  The kid is going nuts in there.  His heart beat ranges from 137 - 185.  The nurse is insisting he has the hiccups by saying "yo bay-bay got the hiccups."  Yea, I've been pregnant before.  This isn't the hiccups.  The kid is moving like crazy.  I finally put my hand on my stomach and shift around  a bit to get him to calm down.  It works.  He goes to sleep the last 5 or so minutes of the NST.

Given the all clear, I have to wait to see the OB.  I make the call to husband.  He needs to do the preschool pickup.  I'm stuck here.

When I finally see the OB (after a different nurse gets fussy because I don't have a piece of paper with my fasting blood sugar from this morning on it.  Apparently ME writing it down and handing her the paper for her to photocopy is way better than her just writing the number 118 on my already updated blood sugar chart) he's tells me that he's going to manage my insulin, this isn't a big deal, we go through it all, bada-bing, bada boom.  It's nice to finally talk to someone who knows what they're talking about.

He did tell me that they will never, not ever, no way, no how schedule my c-section before 39 weeks - so it's up to me to go into labor in that 38th week.  Stupid doctors with stupid ethics and rules.  I'm waiting for a call back to get that scheduled.

All of this is exhausting and frustrating.  If one more person says "but you're almost there" they will die from the burning glare I give them.  Anyone who wants to spend the next 5-6 weeks shooting themselves up with insulin, testing blood sugars, restricting their diet, vomiting or feeling like they will, dealing with the back pain, insomnia, being up from 2am- 4am every night, feeling a baby kick your internal organs so hard that you can actually HEAR things moving inside your body -- all going to the doctor once a week and dealing with 2 active kids and a (admittedly very supportive) husband with a demanding work schedule - they're welcome to trade me places.  Also - if you want to give the baby a name please feel free.  We can't decide. 

My Blessingway!

My amazing friends gave me a Blessingway or a Mother Blessing this past weekend.  Different than a traditional baby shower, a Blessingway typically focuses on the mother and the upcoming birth journey.  I had a Blessingway with my second baby too, and it was a great way to recognize and honor the journey of a mother.  Also, we don't use a lot of baby gear, and buying gender neutral clothing is not that fun, so instead of all the tiny baby clothing and disposable diapers that you usually get for a baby shower, I got to spend several hours talking and laughing with my friends and family, and feeling really blessed by their love.

We had a bead ceremony, where everyone brought a bead (or two or three) that had special significance to them about me.  Some were for color (I got several blue beads for calming strength in labor), some were for shape, and some were just because the person liked the bead.  What was special to me was what they told me about each one, and how it related to them and to me.  We strung these on a labor necklace (that I usually just look at, not wear) to help me remember my support while I am laboring.

We also did a string bracelet thing, where we are were joined in a circle by a string, connecting us to each other and to our past (by naming our matriarchal lineage).  We cut the string after we were finished and tied it on our wrists as a bracelet to be left on until the baby is born.  The symbolic part of this was really powerful for several of us.

One of my favorite parts of being pregnant is doing henna on my belly.  I may be super uncomfortable, but I have this really great, beautiful belly, and I love being able to put henna on it.  I did it for my last pregnancy too.  This time, we did it at the Blessingway, and each person drew a small design.  I love this, because I can name every person and point to their contribution.  Just another way to remind me of my support when I need it.  My kids are obsessed with the henna too.  They love looking at the designs on my belly, and talking about who drew what, and what it looks like.  We've gotten some funny descriptions from them.

its so special to me to have that support and feel that love, especially at this point in my journey, when I am tired, and feeling finished, even though I have some time left.  I have said it again and again, but I have the most amazing, supportive friends and family!!

Part of my henna design

Observations at 37 weeks

37 weeks and feeling every second.  A few observations at this point:

There is not much that is more intense than cleaning a jet tub at 37 weeks pregnant.  Except MAYBE labor.  Or making a king size bed with clean sheets.

Its really hard to convince your kids to get dressed in the morning, when you keep your jeans by the garage door, and wait til the absolute last minute to put them on, since nothing fits right, but your pj pants come the closest.

There's a lot of mental nesting/planning going on, but not a lot of action.

Its hard to be cheerful when you are having contractions every 6 minutes, 24 hours a day for weeks at a time.

Likewise, its hard to be cheerful when you wake up every 30 minutes-1 hr all night long, for weeks at a time.

I want to buy some baby clothes, but I'm so close to finding out the gender, I don't want to waste time or money on gender-neutral clothes.  So I'll just wait.  My online shopping accounts will be burning up a few days after the birth, I am sure.

A food conundrum: do I fix lunch here (that I have no interest in or energy to do) or do I put on my pants and drag the kids out through the local drive-through for crap food that sounds really good right now?  I honestly cannot decide. (FYI, we went with ham sandwiches at home.)

Almost 31 weeks for me

I'm almost 31 weeks and haven't updated my stuff in way way too long, mostly because I haven't felt like there was much to update. I'm still struggling with all day nausea though I've found a combination of medication that keeps me functional. I've been exhausted. Baby boy is moving ALL.THE.TIME. One night I woke up in a panic because he kicked me so hard I thought I'd rolled over on the baby.

I now see the OB every two weeks. I declined the glucose tolerance test knowing I'd fail it – so I'm off to the endocrinologist. I've been monitoring my blood sugars for months and in the past week they have seriously deteriorated. Insulin ahoy! I'm not happy about it at all.

Back to the exhaustion. At my 28 week appointment I asked the nurse to check my iron levels. I've felt so lethargic and have had some dizzy spells. Sure enough, my iron level was at 11.0 - with 12.5 being the low-normal level. I've been supplementing and it seems to be helping.

We are slowly getting things together for baby. He has a crib up in what will be his room. We pulled all of our pack 'n' plays, swings, bedding, etc out of the attic. I have a lot of washing to do and I'm tackling it slowly. We don't have much in the way of clothing – I gave away most of our baby clothes more than a year ago, thinking we were done having kids. Fortunately the husband didn't want me to give away the big items – so we have all of the big stuff. Clothes are easy to buy – and fun. I've been ordering some and will hit consignment sales when they start up next month. I need to get pacifiers, diapers, those sort of things. I have this weird thing though that if I start buying them I'll be jinxing myself or something.

This little guy still doesn't have a name. We have some finalists... and I'm pretty sure we have a middle name but we just haven't been able to settle on a first name. We keep the name private until the baby is born, but that doesn't stop anyone from questioning us which gets old. The name questions usually come right after the “oh, too bad you aren't having a girl” comments so, yea, you can imagine how those questions are received.

We will schedule my c-section at my next appointment. The date really means nothing – he'll come whenever he wants. What it does do is give me a finish line. As I head into the daily injections and finger sticks, the ever growing physical discomfort and all of the other “fun” parts of the third trimester it helps me to have that mental finish line.

The Waiting Game

And again, way too long between posts.  So sorry about that!  Lots of holiday stuff and nesting preparation going on around here.  I'm a month from my guess date, as of yesterday.  Kind of dreading having to wear these same clothes for the next month!  I'm tired of them!!

I saw my midwife on Saturday.  Yes, Saturday.  Because on Friday, when I was supposed to see her, someone was having a baby instead.  Thats one of the things about a midwife--no backup OB.  So you just have to be flexible.  And I know when its my turn, she will do the same thing!  Everything was good--it was a good appointment, in that everything seemed pretty normal.  I was a bit dehydrated after the holidays, and we talked about some issues I've been having (namely frequent contractions), but all was well.  I love her dearly, but I sincerely hope I do not see her for when we scheduled my next appointment (the end of January).  Hopefully she will be coming here before then!

My nesting list has consisted of a few bizarre projects around the house.  I always have a crazy urge to organize and reorganize (and purge) after New Years, and that urge combined with nesting has been kind of crazy.  I've also sewn a few things (gowns and tops for the baby, and matching sibling outfits for the older two), and tried to wrap up my baby knitting projects (one more on the needles, about 2/3 done, and finishing fast).  I counted, washed, and organized diapers last weekend (we use cloth diapers), pulled out baby clothes and put them in the designated drawers, gathered and organized birth supplies, and ordered various things that I have needed in the past (cloth nursing pads, nursing bras, a birth pool, and other various things, including the car seat).

One of our biggest challenges was trying to fit 3 carseats across in our 2006 Honda Accord.  After scouring the internet, I figured our only bet was to order 3 Diono Radians (well, 2 since we already had one), and hope with everything that they fit.  Guess what?  They didn't.  So we also went car shopping this weekend, and found something with a third row that we can all fit safely in.  So that issue is taken care of.

Time for a baby.  Hear that, body?  Hear that, baby?  Momma is Ready.  Let's do this thing.  (Now, watch me have to wait another month).