Birth Junkie

I completely get where that phrase comes from.  I'm kind of a birth junkie, although I don't have the means and resources to follow that "addiction" very often.  But I did get the honor and privilege of being at one of my best friend's home births this weekend.  My poor dear friend who was very overdue had her beautiful baby girl this weekend at home, and it was amazing.  I want to shout it from the rooftops, and tell every single person I see.  "Do you KNOW what I saw this weekend?!?  A BABY being BORN!!!!!!  How amazing is that?!"

I have been lucky and blessed enough to experience four births (that were not my own) in the past few years, and I really believe that exhilaration and awe never diminishes.  Maybe if I had seen it hundreds of times, and knew in detail, the things that could go wrong within the birth process, instead of just the general knowledge that I have, maybe, just maybe, it would be less impressive.  But I really don't think so.  Our glorious midwives acknowledged the same adrenaline and exhaustion I felt yesterday after the whole thing, so I really think its always amazing.

She keeps thanking me for being there and for helping; in truth, I cannot thank her enough for inviting me.  It is such a sacred thing, and I think for a first home birth, you never really know how you're going to feel about having extra people there, until you're in the middle of it all.  I am so thankful that all the timing and childcare and circumstances worked out.  There were so many logistical restrictions for me that it really was amazing that it all worked out.  It had to be a weekday evening or a weekend, but not Thursdays or Fridays (because my husband referees football games on those days right now), and not too late at night (because my 3 year old doesn't sleep well without me after around 10:00 or 10:30 at night), and the fact that it all worked out (including an extra scheduling snafu for me) really means to me, that it was meant to happen that way.

I'm glad I was there.  I had a bigger active part than I had planned on having.  Every birth I have been to, I was really there just for moral support and possibly child care if needed.  This birth was the most intense one out of the four, and the midwives needed all their hands for the technical part, leaving me the powerful and profound honor, along with her husband, of being her physical support, bracing her on one side while she pushed that baby out.  I will never, ever forget that feeling of her primal power, and being part of her grounding connection to the world.

I think all pregnant mommas planning a homebirth should get to go to a home birth about halfway through their pregnancy.  I have mostly great memories from my son's home birth, but this experience really reminded me of that adrenaline, that primitive connection to mothers everywhere and that powerful amazement that accompanies a baby's entrance into the world.  It really makes these next 15 or so weeks seem like no time at all in the grand scheme of things!

PS, I have to give a cheer for my husband.  Not only did he rock his Very Important job of childcare after a crazy busy week at work, and a lot of football games that he referreed, he celebrated the joy and awe of seeing a baby being born with me afterwards.  He said, "Its an amazing thing to see and its so cool that you get to experience the other side of it."  And that would not be possible for me without his amazing support.

Limbo

I am now nearly 13 weeks pregnant. I can see the second trimester just over the horizon and I'd sprint there if I could. I keep hearing about the second-trimester burst of energy and not only could I use that, my family would be really appreciative of having mom back instead of this lump of boring who is able to do just enough to keep things going but isn't able to really get into anything.

But a couple of weeks go, it was a different story.

At 10.5 weeks pregnant you're in limbo.

If you're me, you start to look dumpy in your regular clothes but refuse to move on to maternity clothes because it may jinx the pregnancy.

Most of our family and close friends know I'm expecting but it's not out there on Facebook for all of the masses on the interwebs to comment on.

In full limbo mode, I went to the OB's office for the big 10-week work up. This is the long Q&A with a nurse detailing both my husband's and my health histories. This is the third time we've done the work-up. I'm not at all sure why the nurse needs to know about my husband's grandfather's health history or how it pertains to the baby, but here we are.

She drops husband in the room and takes me to the scale. Down 4 lbs, BP was 114/62. Yippee! She then asks in a whisper: “I'm going to ask you some very personal questions. Is there anything you don't want me talking about in front of your husband? We can talk about it now. History of STDs? Abortions? “ I assured her that I had no secrets and we went to the room to get started.

15 – 20 minutes of boring questions asked by a disinterested nurse. When we got to my pregnancy history she went from disinterested to insulting. She couldn't fathom why I differentiated between my miscarriages and a woman having an abortion. The conversation went something like this:

Nurse: How many pregnancies have you had?

Me: 5

Nurse: How many living children do you have?

Me: 2

Nurse: How many abortions have you had?

Me: Zero.

Nurse: Okay, then, um, how many kids do you have?

Me: I have two sons.

Nurse: And you've had 5 pregnancies?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: And no abortions?

Me: No, I've had two miscarriages. One at six weeks. One at 9.5 weeks. I have never intentionally ended a pregnancy.

Nurse: Oh, okay, two abortions.

Me: (sitting on my hands to not throat punch her)

Now, I understand that in medical coding a miscarriage is an abortion. I know that they code my ultrasounds in the 1st trimester as “threatened abortion” because I have a long history of miscarriage. But, word to the wise, abortion in the general world means something else.

That cleared up, the nurse continued her dry, droll questioning. Husband & I are honestly just happy to make it to this point in pregnancy and we're trying to be cheerful and engage her in conversation.

Then she says:

Okay, I'm going to go get the doppler and we'll listen for a heartbeat then you'll see the doctor.

Right. Now, I know that at 10.5 weeks it's unlikely we'll hear one. I have a big tummy and scar tissue from two c-sections. I also know that not hearing one will send me into an anxiety place that I'm not interested in being in. Remember, I'm in limbo and I'm the mom who has been on the wrong side of statistics several times in my pregnancy life. After forever, the nurse comes back in with the doppler and for 15 agonizing minutes tries to find the heartbeat. Nothing. I knew this. I expected this. I hate this nurse. She says:

Oh, there's nothing to worry about. Everything is just fine.

Husband responds:

“How can you say that? You have no idea if everything is okay.”

“Well sir, she is really early to hear anything on doppler”

'Yes, but she has a long history of miscarriage. We just talked about it. Don't say everything is fine. We have been on the other side of fine before.”

I fall in love with my husband again for confronting the nurse and acknowledging our miscarriages.

The grumpy nurse takes us to yet another room and says the doctor will try but again, everything is fine.

I sit in silence for 10 minutes. Fuming. Angry. Hating my scar tissue for blocking the doppler. Hating my fat tummy for blocking it. Hating my husband for calmly playing on his tablet like nothing was wrong. Hating limbo.

The doctor comes in. She'd helped deliver G and was happy to see us again. She says she's gonna give it a shot on the doppler. She means business. She presses gently at the top of my growing tummy and squishes everything up a bit. She searched for less than 3 minutes.

There it was.

The reassuring whir of a baby's heartbeat on doppler We were able to get it for about 10 seconds...  baby's heart  was beating at 151 beats per minute.

I wanted to kiss the doctor.

I feel out of limbo, but I'm still not ready to switch to maternity clothes just yet.